A BIT OF HUMOR Page 9
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Secrets (1)

During a recent vacation in Atlantic City, a couple went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a woman from the back of the theater yelled out, "Hey, how'd you do that?"

"I could tell you, madam", the magician answered, "But then I'd have to kill you."

After a short pause, she yelled back, "Ok, then . . . Just tell my husband!"

1. PreachingNow [preachingnow@preaching.com]

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Passing Time in Church (1)

My young son asked what the highest number I had ever counted to was. I didn't know, but I asked about his highest number. It was 5,372.

"Oh," I said. "Why did you stop there?"

"Church was over."

1. Joanne Weil, as told by Mike and Amy Nappa, Bore No More! (Group Publishing), p. 7;
submitted by Clark Pfaff, Granby, Connecticut. Church Laughs-HTML [churchlaughs-html@lists.christianitytoday.com]

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Man/Dog (1)

A man went to a psychiatrist and said he was worried that he was a dog.

"It's terrible," said the man, "I walk around on all fours. I keep barking in the middle of the night and I can't go past a lamp post any more."

"Okay," said the psychiatrist. "Lie down on the couch."

The man replied, "I'm not allowed on the couch."

1. Mikey's Funnies [funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com]

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After the church service, a woman complained to the pastor: "I can't believe this church knows only one song. Every time I come here, the only song they sing is 'Christ the Lord Is Risen Today.'"

From: Lowell B. Yoder, Holland, OH

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Bible Hunt (1)

One fellow was violently tearing through his Bible in a desperate search when a friend came up and asked, "Is something wrong?"

"Yes," he said, "I can't remember if the Thanksgiving story is in the Old Testament or New Testament!"

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Diagnosis (1)

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Al Karlstrom of Champaign, IL, recalls this blooper, passed along by his mother, from the days of the Fourth Presbyterian Church in Chicago many years ago:

Eddie Peabody, a world famous banjo player, came to the church to give a concert. The sanctuary filled up, and the nervous hostess introduced the banjo player as follows: "We are so fortunate this evening to have with us Mr. Eddie Playbody who will pee for us."

The audience erupted in laughter and the hostess ran off the stage. Peabody tried to play but each time doubled over with laughter before finally composing himself. (1)

1. From The Joyful Noiseletter, February 2007, page 2

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Baby Shower(1)

Put in charge of organizing my friend's baby shower, I decided to send out invitations via email. To let my husband know that he had baby-sitting duty that day, I entered his name on the "copy to" line.

Within minutes of sending the messages, I received an email back from my husband. He wrote, "Imagine my disappointment when I realized that your invitation wasn't sent only to me."

He was referring to the "Subject" line of my message, which read, "Lunch and a shower."

(1)The Good, Clean Funnies List [gcfl-info@gcfl.net]

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Ever Ridden a Honda? (1)

A biker is riding a new motorcycle on the highway. While passing a car, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window, "Yes?"

"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"

"No I haven't"

The biker drives on, until he sees the next car. While passing it, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window: "Yes?"

"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"

"No I haven't"

Then suddenly there is a curve, the biker sees it too late. He crashes off the road into a ditch. A car stops and a man runs to the unlucky biker. Covered in blood, the biker asks, "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"

"Yes I have. I had a Honda for 20 years."

The biker says, "Tell me, where are the brakes?"

1. You Make Me Laugh [You_Make_Me_Laugh@crosswalkmail.com]

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Weight Watchers (1)

I was telling a friend about my enrollment in a weight-loss program and how excited I was about the meetings.

"Sounds great," she said. "I'm almost tempted to join too."

"Well, next time I go," I replied, "I'll take you along."

"Okay," my friend responded, and then she asked, "Do they serve refreshments?"

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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At Home (1)

While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our table, and we started talking.

He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them.

With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner for our family. I said, "No, I also work ... out of our home."

Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born in.

"He was born at home," I answered.

The man looked at me, then said, "Wow, you don't get out much, do you?"

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Santa's Nationality (1)

A first grade teacher was teaching her class about nationalities and one of the kids asked what nationality Santa Claus was. The teacher didn't know quite how to respond.

Finally, one little girl raised her hand and said she knew.

She said that he was North Polish.

1. martysjotd [martysjotd@hotmail.com]

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Rev. Karl R. Kraft of Mantua, NJ, passed on this true story about the difficulties an American woman named Mary had getting reservations for a flight to Cairo.

"Some time ago my husband, Joe, was invited to lecture at the University of Cairo," the woman reported. "Because of an impending airline strike, reservations were exceedingly difficult to obtain. Finally, two days before we were supposed to leave, our travel agent phoned to say we finally got our reservations.

"Laughingly, our travel agent read the confirmation word for word. An airline employee had wired him: 'Flight into Egypt for Joseph and Mary confirmed.'"

Taken from: The Lord's Laughter, The Joyful Noiseletter, December, 2006, Page 2

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Jam Session (1)

One Sunday evening, I overheard my five-year-old daughter, Julie, practicing "Hark the Herald Angels Sing," a song she'd been rehearsing that morning in church for next week's Christmas program. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter when, in place of "with angelic host proclaim," Julie sang, "with the jelly toast proclaim."

1. Marilyn Clark, Cincinnati, OH. Today's Christian Woman, "Heart to Heart." Church Laughs-HTML [churchlaughs-html@lists.christianitytoday.com]

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Dueling Barbers (1)

A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street from the old established hair cutter's place.

The owners of the new salon put up a big bold sign that read: "WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"

Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own sign: "WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"

1. The Good, Clean Funnies List [gcfl-info@gcfl.net]

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Did you hear about the time Wisconsin held a contest to come up with a new state slogan?

One angry woman who was sick and tired of all the tourists suggested, "Smell Our Dairy Air!"

--Ruby C. (1)

1. martysjotd [martysjotd@hotmail.com]

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Conch Sale (1)

In a misguided burst of creativity, I installed a night-light in a conch shell I found on the beach. My wife took an instant dislike to it, and at the next yard sale it was the first thing she put out.

I felt vindicated when a woman kept coming back to check it out then finally bought it. "That will look great in your home," I said.

"Oh it is not for me," she explained. "My bridge club is having a charity auction and we were asked to bring in the most hideous thing we can find. What I've got here is a winner."

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Dog Weather (1)

To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.

If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining.

But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.

If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.

If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.

Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.

Sincerely, The Cat

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Pharoah (1)

A visiting minister was very long-winded. Worse, every time he would make a good point during his sermon and a member of the congregation responded with "Amen" or "That's right, preacher" he would get wound up even more and launch into another lengthy discourse.

Finally, the host pastor started responding to every few sentences with "Amen, Pharaoh!" The guest minister wasn't sure what that meant, but after several more "Amen, Pharaohs" he finally concluded his very lengthy sermon.

After the service concluded and the congregation had left, the visiting minister turned to his host and asked, "What exactly did you mean when you said "Amen, Pharaoh?"

His host replied, "I was telling you to let my people go!"

1. Mikey's Funnies [funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com]

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With All My Love (1)

A jeweler was being interviewed for a story that was being written on giving new life to old jewelry.

The interviewer asked him to tell about his most memorable client.

"It was a divorced woman who had me make a pair of earrings from her inscribed wedding band," he remembered. "One earring read, 'With all,' and the other, 'my love.'

When the woman was asked why she had wanted it done that way, she answered, 'To remind me that the next time anyone says that to me, I should let it go in one ear and out the other.'"

1. The Good, Clean Funnies List [gcfl-info@gcfl.net]

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Stop n Go (1)

Jim Kevin, a good friend of Marty's just returned from traveling around the USA for a year. He had a lot of stories to tell, but this was his favorite.

It seems he was looking for a bank and stopped to ask directions. The man he asked replied "Just drive down this road about 5 miles and then turn left at the Stop n Go." He drove 5 miles, then 6, then 7. At about 10 miles down he stopped for directions again. The man he asked replied, "Just go back down this road about 5 miles and turn right at the Stop n Go" He headed out again but still had no luck. When he got back to where he had started he stopped again.

When he asked for directions the answer was exactly the same. This time Jim asked, "Could you describe the Stop n Go for me?" The man gave him a funny look and slowly said "It's on a pole. It's got a red light on the top, a Green light on the bottom...."

1. martysjotd [martysjotd@hotmail.com]

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Job Impressions (1)

I had always talked about my job a lot at home, and my young daughter had always expressed great interest. So I thought it would be a treat for her to spend the day with me at the office. Since I wanted it to be a surprise, I didn't tell her where we were going, just that it would be fun. Although usually a bit shy, she seemed excited to meet each colleague I introduced. On the way home, however, she seemed somewhat down.

"Didn't you have a nice time?" I asked.

"Well, it was okay." she responded. "But I thought it would be more like a circus."

Confused, I asked, "Whatever do you mean?"

She said, "Well, you said you work with a bunch of clowns, and I never got to see them!"

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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A Toast (1)

A guy and a girl are having a drink together in a bar. The man raises his glass and says, "Here's hoping you're in Heaven ten minutes before the devil knows you're dead!"

"What's that mean?" asks the girl.

"That," answers her date, "is an authentic Irish toast."

"Oh. Well, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon."

"Bread, eggs and cinnamon? What's that?"

The girl says, "That's French toast."

1. martysjotd [martysjotd@hotmail.com]

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Getting Rid of Pests (1)

A man works as a service technician for a large exterminating company. One of the rules of the company is that he has to confirm each appointment by phone the night before his service call to that household.

One evening he made such a call, and when a man answered the phone, he said, "Hi, this is Gary from A to Z Pest Control Company. Your wife phoned us."

There was a long silence, and then my husband heard the man on the other end say, "Honey, it's for you. Someone wants to talk to you about your relatives."

1. The Good, Clean Funnies List [gcfl-info@gcfl.net]

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Credit Card (1)

While touring the University with some college-bound friends, I saw an advertisement that summed up the pre-college anxieties we were all feeling. Posted in a campus restaurant was this sign for a credit-card company: "Accepted at more colleges than you were."

1. martysjotd [martysjotd@hotmail.com]

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A Likely Story (1)

One of my students could not take my college seminar final exam because of a funeral. "No problem," I told him. "Make it up the following week."

That week came, and again he couldn't take the test due to another funeral.

"You'll have to take the test early next week," I insisted. "I can't keep postponing it."

"I'll take the test next week if no one dies," he told me.

By now I was suspicious. "How can you have so many people you know pass away in three weeks?" I asked.

"I don't know any of these people," he said. "I'm the only gravedigger in town."

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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A Six Funny (1)

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

"I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear--everything there was! Wow!

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie - the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola, and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"

One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size!"

1. Mikey's Funnies [funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com]

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Good Old Days (1)

Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular. "When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, a magazine, and some new blue jeans...all for a dollar!!"

Then Grandpa said sadly, "You can't DO that anymore...they got those video cameras everywhere you look."

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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