A BIT OF HUMOR Page 8
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Sportsmanship (1)

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is and what a teamwork is all about?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what really matters is not whether we win or lose, but that we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"Good," the coach continued. "And, when a strike is called, or you're thrown out at first, you don't argue, curse, attack the umpire with a bat, or throw dirt in the opposing team members face. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded, "Well, sure, coach. That's what you taught us."

"Good," said the coach. "Now, please go over there and explain all that to your father."

1. Mikey's Funnies [mikeys-funnies-owner@YouthSpecialties.com]

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Hand Signals (1)

A Florida officer pulled over an eighty-year-old teacher because her hand signals were confusing.

"First you put your hand up, like you're turning right, then you waved your hand up and down, then you turned left," said the officer.

"I decided not to turn right," she explained.

"Then why the up and down?" asked the officer.

"Officer," she sniffed, "I was erasing!"

1. The Good, Clean Funnies List [gcfl-info@gcfl.net]

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It's Nice to Share (1)

After visiting his grandfather who peppers his sentences with salty language, our preschooler came home enthusiastically using his new-found vocabulary. We tried valiantly to discourage it without condemning his grandfather, but had no luck.

Exasperated, I finally told him that those particular words were his grandfather's and not ours, and so they should stay back there at Grandpa's house. I was pleased with myself at having found a way to separate the profanity from the person until our young philosopher remembered another lesson: "But, Mommy, you always tell me it's nice to share!"

1. Page Zyromski, Painesville, OH. Christian Reader, "Lite Fare." Retrieved from: Church Laughs-HTML [churchlaughs-html@lists.christianitytoday.com]

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Leaky Roof (1)

Mr. Gable had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a repairman to take a look at it. "When did you first notice the leak?" the repairman inquired.

Mr. Gable scowled. "Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!"

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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A Political Funny (1)

A farmer finally decided to buy a TV. The store assured him that they would install the antenna and TV the next day.

The next evening the farmer turned on his new TV and found only political ads on every channel. The next morning he turned the TV on and found only political ads again.

When he came in to eat lunch he tried the TV again but still only found political ads.

The next day when he still found only political ads he called the store to complain. The owner said that it was impossible for every channel to only have political ads, but agreed to send their repairman to check the TV.

When the TV repairman turned on the TV he found that the farmer was right. After looking at the TV for a while he went outside to check the antenna. In a few minutes he returned and told the farmer he had found the problem.

The antenna had been installed on top of the windmill and grounded to the manure spreader.

1. Mikey's Funnies [funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com]

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Johnny Hollers (1)

Coming through the door after school one day, Little Johnny hollers out,

"Okay everyone in the house, please stand advised that I, Little Johnny Elvis Smith, have on this date made a complete fool of myself in sex-education class by repeating stories concerning storks as told to me by certain parties residing in this house!"

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Things Moms Would Probably Never Say (1)

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Animal Superbowl (1)

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"

"I did" said the centipede.

"Who stopped the rhino?"

"Uh, that was me too" said the centipede.

"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"

"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.

"SO WHERE WERE YOU THE FIRST HALF?" demanded the coach.

"Well" said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."

1. You Make Me Laugh [You_Make_Me_Laugh@crosswalkmail.com]

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Size 8 Shoes (1)

A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of shoes, size 8. The obviously well trained salesman says, "But sir, you take an 11 or eleven-and-a-half."

"Just bring me a size eight."

The sales guy brings them and the man stuffs his feet into them and stands up in obvious pain. He turns to the salesman and says, "I've lost my house to the I.R.S., I live with my mother-in-law, my daughter ran off with my best friend, and my business has filed Chapter 7."

"The only pleasure I have left is to come home at night and take my shoes off."

1. You Make Me Laugh [You_Make_Me_Laugh@crosswalkmail.com]

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Rest Home Trial1

Aunt Mary, a spinster of 92, had finally consented to go to a rest home, but strictly on a two-week-trial basis. Consequently, she took a small overnight case with only the bare essentials.

A couple of days later her niece was surprised to get a phone call from her demanding more clothes.

"Please bring me that good black silk, my lavender print, the brown wool..." and she went on and on. Finally after a brief questioning from her niece, Aunt Mary expostulated:

"There are MEN in this place!"

1Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Hope (1)

The coach's wife yells to her husband, "It's Sports Illustrated on the phone."

The coach falls all over himself racing to the phone and says, "Hello?"

Then he hears, "For just 75 cents an issue..."

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Swanky Dining (1)

The couple entered the resort's swanky dining room. "I'm sorry," apologized the Maitre d, "but there are no tables available."

"One moment, my friend," said the man, drawing himself up. "I happen to be Gregory R. Carutheres, the sportsman."

"I'd like to accommodate you, Mr. Caruthers, but there just isn't a table available this evening."

"I bet if President Bush came in and asked for a table, there'd be one available."

"Yes-s-s," the other admitted, "I suppose there would be a table available for President Bush."

"Good! I'll take it. George isn't coming!"

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Misunderstanding (1)

My pastor and his wife were enjoying a Saturday evening out and I was baby-sitting their four-year-old daughter, Angela.

As I was putting her to bed she said, "I think you had better call my mom and dad and tell them I don't think I can go to church tomorrow."

"Why not?" I asked.

"It's the Sermons," she stated. "They are just too long and I don't understand them."

"Really, your father is a very good preacher," I reassured her, "but I know that a little girl like you would not understand everything. Why don't you pray and ask God to help you understand your daddy's Sermons?"

"Well," she said thoughtfully, "I don't think he understands them either!"

1. Jean Crist, Niagara Falls, NY. Christian Reader, "Lite Fare." Posted on Church Laughs-HTML [churchlaughs-html@lists.christianitytoday.com]

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Birthday Surprise (1)

A husband went to buy a birthday gift for his wife. Some friends had been invited over that night to celebrate her fortieth, and he wanted to get something special.

At the store he spotted some cute little music boxes. One blue one was playing "Happy Birthday." Thinking they were all the same, he chose a red one and had it gift-wrapped.

Later, at dinner, he gave it to his wife and asked her to open it. When she lifted the lid, out came the tune to "The Old Gray Mare, She Ain't What She Used to Be!"

1. Retrieved from: You Make Me Laugh [You_Make_Me_Laugh@crosswalkmail.com]

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Haircut Plan (1)

I was getting my hair cut at a neighborhood shop, and I asked the barber when would be the best time to bring in my two-year-old son.

Without hesitation, the barber answered, "When he's four."

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Husband's Housekeeping (1)

My friend's husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better. Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away.

When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed, "I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath."

I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest."

1. martysjotd [martysjotd@hotmail.com]

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2nd Try (1)

Arriving home from work at my usual hour of 5 p.m., I discovered that it had not been one of my wife's better days.

Nothing I said or did seemed to be right.

By 7 p.m. things had not changed, so I suggested I go outside, pretend I had just got home, and start all over again. My wife agreed.

I went outside, came back in and, with a big smile, announced, "Honey, I'm home!"

"And just where have you been?" she replied sharply "It's after seven o'clock!"

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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