A BIT OF HUMOR Page 7
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A Water Funny (1)

"Sally, can you spell 'water' for me?" The teacher asked.

"H I J K L M N 0," answered Sally promptly.

Her teacher look puzzled. "That doesn't spell "water."

"Sure it does," said Sally. "My daddy's a scientist and he says water is H to O."

1. Mikey's Funnies [funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com]

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Sermon Feedback (1)

After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the Sermons. "Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God."

The pastor was thrilled. "Nobody has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why."

"Because it endured forever."

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Get Well Soon (1)

A motorcycle cop was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the ultra sticky kind. Written in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon! Luv, from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week!"

1. Retrieved from: You Make Me Laugh [You_Make_Me_Laugh@crosswalkmail.com]

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Lay Down His Swede Head (1)

My 5-year-old daughter was helping set the table one Sunday near Christmas. She stopped for a moment and announced, "Jesus was a Swede."

More than a little surprised, I corrected her, "Oh, no, dear, Jesus was Jewish. I'll read it to you from the Bible after lunch."

Pensively, she laid out the silverware. Then her face brightened. "Mommy, I can prove it to you! We sang about it in Sunday school this morning." Triumphantly she sang, "Away in a manger, no crib for a bed, the little Lord Jesus lay down his Swede head."

1. --Ethelyn Pearson, Wadena, Minn. "Lite Fare," Christian Reader.

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Thank You Cards (1)

My first stop on my vacation was my sister's house in Montana. She's extremely organized. Before she leaves on a trip, she always types up address labels for her postcards.

This time, I figured I'd done her one better. I boasted, "You'll be impressed. I've already written thank-you notes to everyone with whom I'll be staying. They're all stamped and ready to go."

My sister was silent for a moment, and then she said, "You mean those little envelopes I saw in your room and mailed this morning?"

1. Retrieved from: Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Scripture Comes in Handy

Michelle attempts to teach her children the "please and thank you" of polite society. She also helps them memorize Scripture. One day, her 4-year-old son, John, was tussling and wrestling with his mom in a good-natured contest. Losing the battle, he wanted to be released.

"What's the magic word?" encouraged Michelle, ready to comply with his wish.

"Let my people go...(Exodus 8:1)," came the reply.

--Thelma Baddorf, Dillsburg, Penn. "Lite Fare," Christian Reader. (1)

1. Retrieved from: Church Laughs-HTML [churchlaughs-html@lists.christianitytoday.com]

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Marrying Young (1)

My sister, went to the department store to check out the bridal registry of our niece whose wedding was coming up soon. When my sister returned from the store, she tossed the gift list on a table and declared, "I think she's too young to get married."

"Why do you say that?" I asked.

"Because," she said, "they've registered for Nintendo games."

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Control and Escape (1)

The computer company my wife works for distributed a corporate clothing catalogue that included a pair of cuff links.

One was inscribed Ctrl (control) and the other Esc (escape), just as they look on a computer keyboard.

"They would make a good present for any man," my wife commented to a colleague, "if only to remind him of the two things he can never have."

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Helping Sam at Church (1)

Because our former small-town parish was not a wealthy one, our pastor was dependent on parishioners for upkeep and maintenance of the church. Once he asked my husband, Sam, to rewire the confessionals.

The only way to reach the wiring was to enter the attic above the altar and crawl over the ceiling by balancing on the rafters. Concerned for my husband's safety, I waited in a pew. Unbeknownst to me, some parishioners were congregating in the vestibule. They paid little attention to me, probably assuming I was praying.

Worried about my husband, I looked up toward the ceiling and yelled, "Sam, Sam! Are you up there? Did you make it okay?"

There was quite an outburst from the vestibule when Sam's hearty voice echoed down, "Yes, I made it up here just fine!"

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Sunday Service (1)

A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.

After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation.

For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married.

"Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested.

Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.

1. You Make Me Laugh [You_Make_Me_Laugh@crosswalkmail.com]

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Telemarketers (1)

We telemarketers know we're universally loathed. Still, some people are surprisingly, quite pleasant on the phone.

One day I called a number and asked to speak with Mr. Morgan. The woman who answered explained that he no longer lived at that address, but she did have a number for me where he could be reached.

Naturally, I took the number down, thanked her, and then promptly rang that number. I was greeted with..."Good morning, Highland View Cemetery."

1. martysjotd [martysjotd@hotmail.com]

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Simple Operation (1)

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation. "What's the matter?" he was asked.

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'"

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"

1. You Make Me Laugh [You_Make_Me_Laugh@crosswalkmail.com]

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Getting Old (1)

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 83 years old now, and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby!"

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

1. The Good, Clean Funnies List [gcfl-info@gcfl.net]

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A Prayer Funny (1)

John was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up toward heaven, he said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up beer."

Just then a parking place miraculously appeared!

John looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one!"

1. Mikey's Funnies [funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com]

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Sunday Compliment (1)

The minister gave his Sunday morning service, as usual, but this particular Sunday, it was considerably longer than normal.

Later, at the door, shaking hands with parishioners as they moved out, one man said, "Your sermon, Pastor, was simply wonderful - so invigorating and inspiring and refreshing."

The minister of course, broke out in a big smile, only to hear the man say, "Why I felt like a new man when I woke up!"

1. You Make Me Laugh [You_Make_Me_Laugh@crosswalkmail.com]

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Same Size (1)

A young boy went to the store with his grandmother. On the way home, he looked at the items she had purchased. He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "queen size."

Excited, the boy turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look, Grandma! You wear the same size as your bed."

1. The Good, Clean Funnies List [gcfl-info@gcfl.net]

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Fishing Wife (1)

"So, what's the matter?" asked one woman of her friend over coffee. "I thought you just got back from a nice relaxing fishing trip with your husband."

"Oh, everything went wrong," the second woman answered.

"First, he said I talked so loud I would scare the fish.

Then he said I was using the wrong bait; and then that I was reeling in too soon.

"All that might have been all right; but to make matters worse, I ended up catching the most fish!"

1. You Make Me Laugh [You_Make_Me_Laugh@crosswalkmail.com]

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Blind Date (1)

After being with his blind date all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with her. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank goodness," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Rabbi Sneak (1)

There was this rabbi in a small town, and he was really curious about why so many people ate pork. He really wanted to try some, but there was no where in town he could go and not be seen. One weekend, he made an excuse and traveled to a distant town, went into a restaurant, and ordered the first pork item on the menu.

While he's waiting for his order of pork, the president of his congregation walks in. He sees the rabbi and asks if he could join him for dinner, and the rabbi has no choice but to agree. A while later, the waiter returns with the rabbi's meal. He takes the cover off the large platter, and there is a whole roast pig, with an apple in its mouth.

The congregation president is more than a little shocked.

"What a fancy place," explains the rabbi quickly. "Just look at how they serve the apple I ordered."

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Grocery Pickup (1)

Soon after my 16-year-old sister started working after school as a grocery-store cashier, I went to see how she was doing.

I tried to make myself inconspicuous as I waited to check out my purchases. Ahead of me was a young man who was flirting with my sister. Both embarrassed and amused by his advances, she continued to ring up his groceries. Finally the persistent fellow ventured, "Would you like to go out to dinner with me tonight?"

Oblivious to his questions and adhering to her employee training, she asked him, "How will you be paying?"

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Stain Glass (1)

An area pastor tells of his first Sunday in the new parish and presenting the children's message.

Seems the sanctuary in the new church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message centered on how each of us is called of God to help make up the whole picture of life (the life of the community of the faithful). Like the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to make the whole picture.

And then he said, "You see each one of you is a little pane."

And then pointing to each child, "You're a little pane.

And you're a little pane.

And you're a little pane. And..."

It took a few moments before he realize why everyone was laughing so hard.

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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We all get heavier as we get older because, there's a lot more information in our heads.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it! (1)

1. Received by Email

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Do Something Nice (1)

Unable to attend the funeral after his Uncle Charlie died, a man who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Uncle Charlie and send me the bill."

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.

But, when the bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, he finally called his brother again to find out what was going on.

"Well," said the other brother, "You said to do something nice for Uncle Charlie. So I rented him a tuxedo."

1. You Make Me Laugh [You_Make_Me_Laugh@crosswalkmail.com]

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Survival Training (1)

A Scoutmaster was teaching his Boy Scouts about survival in the Alaskan wilderness.

"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost alone in the woods?" he asked.

Several hands went up, and many important things were mentioned, such as water, matches, etc.

Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.

"Yes, Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring?" asked the Scoutmaster.

Timmy replied, "A compass, food, and a deck of cards."

"Why's that, Timmy?" the Scoutmaster inquired.

"The compass is to find the right direction, and the food is to maintain you during the rescue."

"And what about the playing cards, Timmy?" asked the Scoutmaster impatiently.

"Well, sir, as soon as you start playing solitaire, someone always walks up behind you and says, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"

1. *Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke, Crosswalk [You_Make_Me_Laugh@lists.crosswalk.com]

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University Recommendation (1)

When I went with my daughter to visit a prestigious university, our student guide pointed out the nationally ranked library and state-of-the-art science facilities. She told us that the professors were the best in the world, and she recommended my daughter apply early to improve her chances for admission.

"We get so many applicants," she boasted, "because of the stature of the school."

After the tour I asked our guide, "So, why did you choose this school?"

"Oh," she replied matter-of-factly, "my boyfriend goes here."

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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