A BIT OF HUMOR Page 6
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 A snowbird from the North wanted a week's vacation at a Florida campground, but was concerned about the accommodations. Uppermost in her mind were the toilet facilities, but she was too proper to write toilet so she abbreviated bathroom commode to BC and asked in her letter if the campground had its own BC.

The campground owner was baffled by this euphemism, so he showed it around, but nobody knew what it meant. Finally, someone said, Oh, that's simple. 'BC' means 'Baptist Church.' She's asking whether the campground has its own Baptist Church. So the owner sat down and wrote:

Dear Madam,

I'm sorry about the delay in answering your letter, but I am pleased to inform you that a BC is located just nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They're going to hold it in the basement of the BC.

I would like to say that it pains me greatly not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, especially in cold weather. If you decide to come to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time, sit with you and introduce you to all the folks. Remember, this is a friendly community. (1)

1. © 2002 Communication Resources, Inc. Used with permission.

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Two lawyers are having a drink after work. The most amazing thing happened to me last night, said the first one. I was working, and suddenly the devil was standing before me, right there in my office! He told me that in exchange for my soul, I could become a United States Senator!

Great! says his friend. But what's the catch? (1)

1. The Big Book of New American Humor (New York: HarperCollins Publishers, 1990), 106.

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Four clergymen were on the way home from a conference. The conversation was casual, but became serious when one of them proposed that they should start confessing their sins to each other.

The first one admitted, My sin is gambling. It's almost an obsession.

The second confessed, Well, my problem is alcohol. I'm really addicted to it.

The third sighed, I'll have to admit that I look lustfully at beautiful women.

The fourth clergyman was silent. The others urged him to stand by their agreement to come clean and confess. Well, my friends, he said, I might as well tell you. My sin is that of gossiping and tale-bearing, and when we get home, I'm going to have a ball!

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There is a story of a young Naval Academy graduate, who after completing his first overseas cruise, was given an opportunity to display his talents at getting his ship underway and out of port. The young officer's efficiency established a new record for getting a naval ship underway.

He was stunned, however, when a sailor approached him with a message from their captain. "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparations exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste however, you have overlooked one of the fundamental rules-make sure the captain is on board before you leave." (1)

1. Bobby Ives, "Greetings," Boat Notes, The Carpenter's Boatshop,
Fall 1999 Newsletter, 1. © 2001 Communication Resources, Inc. Used with permission.

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A young boy wanted a bicycle very badly. All his friends had one. Finally his mother suggested he take his concerns to the Holy Mother Mary in prayer. Johnny wrote his prayer out on a piece of paper before he went to bed, and prayed, Mary, mother of God, could you see that I get a bicycle? All my friends have one. Amen. He placed the prayer next to his statue of the Virgin and went to sleep.

The next morning when he didn't have a bike, he wasn't discouraged, and he repeated the same steps that night, and every night for the next week, with the same disappointing result.

Finally he took his statue of Mary, wrapped it in a towel, and hid it in the back of a dresser drawer. When he went to sleep that night he prayed: Jesus, if you want to see your mother again, I better get that bike! (1)

1. Dan Shutters, Laugh Lines, Presbyterians Today, December 1997, 3.

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"On Easter Sunday, my friend Rev. Dr. Ronald Dunk of Pitman (NJ) United Methodist Church approached an older gentleman in the church with an ancient Christian greeting: Christ is risen!' But instead of giving Dr. Dunk the traditional response -'He is risen indeed!' - the man responded with 'Yupper-dee-doodle!"' -Rev. Karl R. Kraft, Mantua, NJ

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There is a tale of the Lithuanian Yiddish character, Khabad, whose house caught fire. When the house was going up in flames, instead of running about in a panic as his neighbors were doing, he began to laugh. At last, he exclaimed, I have my revenge on my cockroaches. (1)

1. Anonymous

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Subject: Thoughts for the Day
Date: Tue, 13 Jun 2000 09:19:32 -0500
From: "Andrew Hemken"
To: "Pastor Shultz" <fcc@fccmukwonago.org>

I thought you might be able to use some of these.
Cheryl

I do not know where Cheryl acquired these marvelous and humorous sayings, but I share them with you anyway. Enjoy!

  1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
  2.  
  3. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
  4.  
  5. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
  6.  
  7. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
  8.  
  9. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
  10.  
  11. You should not confuse your career with your life.
  12.  
  13. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
  14.  
  15. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
  16.  
  17. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
  18.  
  19. Never lick a steak knife.
  20.  
  21. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
  22.  
  23. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
  24.  
  25. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
  26.  
  27. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
  28.  
  29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
  30.  
  31. "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
  32.  
  33. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
  34.  
  35. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
  36.  
  37. Your friends love you, anyway.

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Bill Gates dies and finds himself in purgatory being sized up by God.

Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to heaven or to hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, Yet you also created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go.

Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?'

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help you make a decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

'I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay, then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to hell. It was beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing, and frolicking about. The sun was shining. The temperature was perfect. Bill was pleased.

"This is great!!" he told God. "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"

"Fine" said God, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but as exciting as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmmmmm, I think I'd prefer Hell", he told God.

"Fine" retorted God, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decides to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill shackled to a wall and screaming in the middle of hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

Bill responded with anguish and disappointment in his voice, "This is awful!! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can"t believe this is happening. What happened to that other place with the beaches, the beautiful women playing in the clear water?"

"Oh, that was the demo version." replied God.

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The $1 bills and the $20 bills were stacked next to each other in the bank cashier's drawer. Laughter and chatter came from the stack of $20s.

"Why are you so happy?" one of the $1's asked.

"Life is so exciting!" was the reply. "We go to the best restaurants and theaters, and we take a lot of taxi rides. But why are you so sour and depressed?"

"Oh, we never go anywhere. Week after week it is nothing but the same old thing __ church, church, church."

Mable Moeller, "LaughLines," Presbyterians Today, March 1999, 3.

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There is the story of the Hollywood director who conversed for hours about himself and then proposed a radical turn in the conversation: "That's enough about me. Let's talk about you. What did you think of my latest picture?" Oh, Hum!

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When Winston Churchill allowed enlisted men to join with officers in tactical sessions and briefings, he took a lot of criticism.

One British general protested, "Mr. Prime Minister, you know it is a fact that familiarity breeds contempt."

To which Churchill replied: "My dear sir, I beg you to consider the fact that without a certain amount of familiarity, it is practically impossible to breed anything."

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Waiter! There is a fly in my soup!

The waiter comes over and picks the fly out of the soup, then carefully looks it over. He calmly says to the diner, Sir, your fly is a size 14 iron blue dun. May I recommend it with the broiled rainbow trout?

Reel-com/humor. Retrieved August 28, 2001.

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Paul Harvey (1) reported that a woman called up the Butterball Turkey Company's consumer hot line and asked about the advisability of cooking a turkey that had been in her freezer for 23 years.

The customer service representative told her that it might be okay to eat it if the freezer had maintained a below-zero temperature the entire time, but even so, the flavor would have deteriorated so much that it wouldn't be very tasty.

Said the caller, "Oh, that's what we thought. We'll just donate it to the church."

1. As quoted in Current Thoughts & Trends, 12 (November 1996), 19.
Copyright © Homiletics, February 7, 1993, Are You Fit for the Dungheap?, Used with permission

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Do you need the perfect Christmas gift?(1)

The perfect Christmas gift for the little crusader, the Full Armor of God Playset provides 3 to 11 year-olds with a sort of commentary, in plastic bits and pieces, of St. Paul's famous passage in Ephesians chapter 6.

The pack, available from the (Name Withheld), includes a helmet of salvation (complete with visor), breastplate of righteousness, shield of faith, belt of truth (it's plastic, but a nice gold color), sword of the spirit, and...shin guards. Ephesians chapter 6 has no mention of shin guards, but perhaps they're the shin guards of chastity or self-control.

At only $25.99, this is a small price to pay for teaching your child about the Bible and armed combat at the same time.

(1)"Gadgets for God Archive", Ship of Fools OnLine Magazine,
  www.shipoffools.com. (found in Homiletics on line, Used with permission).

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Barry Bailey (Fort Worth, Texas, 13 June 1993) tells the story of a Louisiana counterfeiter who got so excited that he made a number of $11 bills.

He wondered what he was going to do with them. So one day he went to Thibodaux, out in the country. The person with him asked, 'What are you going to do?' The counterfeiter said, 'This is an out-of-the-way place, this little store out here. I'm going in and see what kind of change I can get for this $11 bill.' He walked in, put the bill down on the counter, and said, 'I'd like some change.' The clerk gave him two bills. The counterfeiter picked them up, and got back in the car. The man asked, 'What did you get?' 'I don't know,' the counterfeiter replied, 'but anything is better than what I had.' He looked at it -- he had a seven and a four.

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I don't know where I found this one. It's funny. LRS

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy who was waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.

"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned sternly.

"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters - they are married to God."

"Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."

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I get a lot of bloopers by e-mail. these were sent to me by Ruth. They are a lot of laughs. Have fun! Les

Church Bloopers

I got a kick out of some of these...laughed until my sides ached and I cried. My dog came in to see what was going on ! Hope you enjoy! Ruth.

Original Message, From: Phyllis Hayden phayden@bwn.net

Subject: Church Bulletins. These are actual clippings from church newspapers. It's amazing what a little proofreading would do. Some of the best are at the end, so keep going!

* Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

* Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

* Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

* Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

* "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

* Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

* The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

* The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water". The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus"

* Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

* Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

* The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."

* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

* Don't let worry kill you - let the Church help.

* Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

* A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

* Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

* The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

* Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

* The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

* Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.

* Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

* The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment and gracious hostility.

* Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M. - prayer and medication to follow.

* The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

* This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

* Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

* The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

* Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

* The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

* Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

* Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

* The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

******************************************

Jennifer E. Tanguay, Management Services Officer, Department of Anthropology
University of California, Santa Barbara, (805) 893-4625 Fax: (805) 893-8707

******************************************

Julie Velarde, Graduate Program Assistant, Department of Anthropology, 2001 HSSB, University of California, Santa Barbara, Santa Barbara, CA 93106-3210, Phone: 805-893-2516, Fax: 805-893-8707, E-mail: velarde@sscf.ucsb.edu

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Some Things Don't Translate (1)

Ed and Bill moved to Mexico to open a bungee-jumping business. On the first day, they offered a demonstration to spur the locals to open their wallets.

Bill attached the cord to his ankle and dove off the tower. He soared toward the crowd and then sprang back up.

When Bill got near the top, Ed noticed his friend's clothes were torn.

The next time he popped up, Bill had a few small scrapes, and the third time he looked bruised.

Finally, he came to a stop and staggered up the ladder.

"What happened to you?" Ed asked.

"I don't know," Bill answered. "What's a piata?

1. From http://www.funnybone.ws/

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A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker are sitting in a restaurant in London. (1)

The waiter says, Excuse me, but the steak on the menu is not available, as there's a shortage.

The Texan asks, What's a shortage?

The Russian asks, What's a steak?

The New Yorker asks, What the [heck] does EXCUSE ME mean?

1. Marcus Badger, A failure to communicate, Maxim, May 2001, 30.

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University of Illinois football coach Bob Zuppke was renowned for the fire and fervor of his half-time pep talks. One afternoon, his team hit the locker room after the first half well behind in both points and enthusiasm. Zuppke began talking to them and the more he talked, the louder and more dramatic his voice became. The momentum built in the players. Then the coach pointed to the door at the far end of the locker room and said, "Now go out there and win this game!" Filled with emotion the players got off the bench, ran toward the door and charged through it. But it was the wrong door, and one by one they fell into the swimming pool!

It is one thing to be all charged up - it is quite another thing to be headed in the right direction.

As related by David Tyler Scoates, Hennepin Avenue United Methodist Church, Minneapolis, Minnesota.

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Jesus Christ said he had never been to a football match. So we took him to one, my friends and I.

It was a ferocious battle between the Protestant Punchers and the Catholic Crusaders. The Crusaders scored first. Jesus cheered wildly and threw his hat high up in the air. Then the Punchers scored. And Jesus cheered wildly and threw his hat high up in the air.

This seemed to puzzle the man behind us. He tapped Jesus on the shoulder and asked, Which side are you rooting for, my good man? Me? replied Jesus, visibly excited by the game. Oh, I'm not rooting for either side. I'm just enjoying the game. The questioner turned to his neighbor and sneered, Hmm, an atheist.

--Anonymous (I acquired this one from Homiletics Magazine on line. LRS)

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KUDZU, as drawn by Doug Marlette features the thoughts and activities of the Rev. Will Bedone. He is listening to the congregation sing an old song.

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound...
That saved a stunted self-concept like me...
I once was stressed out,
But now am empowered...
Was visually challenged,
But now I see.

The good Rev. thinks: "Actually, I never felt the lyrics to Amazing Grace needed updating.

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