A BIT OF HUMOR Page 5
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We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance.  At one point, our minister had the children gather at the altar for a talk about the importance of the day.  He began by asking, "Does anyone know what the bishop does?"

There was silence.

Finally, one little boy answered gravely, "He's the one you can move diagonally."

Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Moving In Motivation (1)

My engineer husband is meticulous but mild-mannered.

While our new house was being built, he would leave notes for the workmen, politely calling their attention to mistakes or oversights.

Two weeks before we were to move in, the floors still were not finished, the bathrooms not tiled, nor were necessary fixtures installed. I was sure that the work would never be completed in time. However, on moving day, we found that the house was ready to receive us.

Curious as to how this miracle had been accomplished, I went and checked where my husband always left his notes for the workmen. Posted prominently on the living room wall was my husband's last note: "After September 15, all work will be supervised by 5 children."

1. Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke! Crosswalk [You_Make_Me_Laugh@lists.crosswalk.com]

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Confusion

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, the student nurse found one elderly gentlemanalready dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feetwho insisted he didn't need any help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let the nurse wheel him to the elevator. On the way down she asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown." (from GCFL.net)

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Finally (1)

The youth director had been trying for months to get the little boy down the street to come to church to be with his third grade Sunday school class.

Finally after talking to the boy and his mother for what seemed to be the hundredth time the boy finally agreed to go this next Sunday, which he did and seemed to enjoy all of the proceedings except as the baptismal service began he ran out the back door and ran all the way home. His mother asked him why did he run home instead of riding with the youth minister.

The little boy answered, "Its all a racket, They get you there and let you make all those nice things and tell you great stories just to get you relaxed so they can drown you at the end of one of the services.

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Traffic Hazards (1)

I tell you, men drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on Highway 11 from Albert Street, I looked over to my left and there's this man in a Mustang doing 95 miles per hour with his face up next to his rear view mirror....shaving!!!

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back, he's halfway over in my lane. Scared me so bad I almost dropped my eye liner pencil in my coffee.

1. Received from Joke du Jour. The Good, Clean Funnies List [gcfl-info@gcfl.net]

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"Artificial Insermination" (1)

Rabbi Bloom was getting quite a reputation for his Sermons. His synagogue was always packed because his congregation didn't want to miss a single one of his words. One Sabbath, one member had to go to another synagogue to attend a nephew's bar mitzvah. Because he didn't want to miss the sermon, he asked one of his non-Jewish friends to go in his place and tape the Rabbi's sermon. In that way, he could listen to it when he got back.

When other members of the congregation saw what was going on, they too decided to ask their non-Jewish friends to go in their places to record the sermon. They could then do other things, such as play golf or go to football.

Within a short time, there were 100 gentiles sitting in the synagogue recording the Rabbi's sermon.

The Rabbi got wise to this. So the following Sabbath, he, too, asked a non-Jewish friend to attend on his behalf. His friend brought a tape recorder and played the Rabbi's pre-recorded sermon to the 100 non-Jews in the congregation who then recorded the sermon on their own machines.

This was believed to be the first incidence in history of "artificial insermonation."

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Fathers, Mothers (1)

As a mother was walking with her 4-year-old daughter, the girl picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth, and Mom told her not to do that.

"Why?" she asked.

"Because it's been lying outside and is dirty and probably has germs."

At this point, she looked at her mother with total admiration and asked, "How do you know all this stuff?"

Thinking quickly, she replied, "It's on the mommy test, you have to know it, or they don't let you be a mommy."

"Oh." She said seemingly satisfied. They walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but the daughter was evidently pondering this new information.

"I get it!" she beamed. "Then if you flunk, you have to be the daddy."

1. preachingnow@preaching.com

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Another Dog (1)

Howard came home from work one evening and there was his wife Miriam in the kitchen crying out loud.

"What's the matter, darling?" he asked her.

"I just don't know what to do," said Miriam. "Because we were eating in for a change, I cooked us a special dinner-but the dog has just eaten it."

"Don't worry," said Howard, "I'll get us another dog."

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Adding Them Up (1)

Joe's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Joe replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Joe interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Hard of Hearing (1)

A young man was having some money problems, and needed $200 to get his car fixed and road-worthy again but had run out of people to borrow from. So, he calls his parents via the operator, reverses the charge and says to his dad, "I need to borrow two hundred dollars."

At the other end, his father says, "Sorry, I can't hear you, son, I think there may be a bad line."

The boy shouts, "Two hundred. I need two hundred dollars!"

"Sorry, I still can't hear you clearly," says his father.

The operator cuts in, "Sorry to butt in, but I can hear him perfectly."

The father says, "Oh, good. You send him the money!"

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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In the doctors office two patients are talking. (1)

"You know, I had an appendectomy last month and the doctor left a sponge in me by mistake."

"A sponge!" exclaims the other. "And do you feel much pain"

"No pain at all," says the first, "but do I get thirsty!"

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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A Fraudulent Psychic (1)

A woman went to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother.

The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering and she begins moaning. Eventually, a voice comes, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"

The granddaughter, wide-eyed responds, "Grandma? Is that you?"

"Yes granddaughter, it's me."

"It's really you, Grandma?" the woman repeats.

"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."

The woman pauses a moment, "Grandma, I have just one question for you."

"Anything, my child."

"When did you learn to speak English?"

1. from Pastor Tim's Sermon Illustrations and Inspirations List, http://www.cybersaltlists.org

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Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a Hippie are flying across the country.Suddenly the pilot rushes into the cabin screaming, 'We are losing power and are going to crash. There are 4 parachutes, and I am wearing one.' With that he jumps out of the plane.

Without a moment of hesitation Michael Jordan jumps up and says, 'I am one of the world's greatest athletes, and not one is going to catch me.' With that he grabs the second parachute and jumps out of the plane.

Bill Gates then says, 'I am the world's smartest man, and the world needs me.' He grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane.

The Dali Lama turns to the Hippie and says, 'Son, I have lived a long and fruitful life. Please, take the final parachute and jump to safety.'

The Hippie wearing a sly grin replies, 'Don't worry, we can both be saved. The smartest man in the world just jumped out of the plane with my backpack!'

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I do not know if this is true or not. It makes no difference, it is a great story. It was sent to me by Robert A. Berthold bertld@wi.rr.com

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshield of their new high-speed trains.

Arrangements were made to borrow the gun. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it into smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

Horrified Britain's sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

NASA's response was just one sentence: "Thaw the chicken."

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J. W. Marriott, Chairman of Marriott International, tells the following story.

"A man goes into a fortuneteller who looks into a crystal ball and says, 'You will be poor and unhappy until you are 45 or 50 years old.'

'Then what will happen?' asks the man.

The fortune teller replies: 'Then you'll get used to it.'" (1)

1. Copyright Homiletics, April 23, 1995, The Devil's I. Used with permission.

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James Arlie Atkins, ancestor of master guitarist Chet Atkins, kept a scrapbook of jokes and stories that Chet loves to quote during his "concerts." Here's one entitled "Honeymoon Prayers." (1)

"A couple got married and spent their first night at the bride's home. She was a very religious girl, so she told her husband they would have to pray before going to bed, but he said, 'Not me. Why, I've never prayed a single prayer in my whole life.'

"'I don't care,' she said; 'You will tonight.'

"So he did pray.

"Next morning at the family circle, he said, 'I did something last night I never did before.' that got everybody's attention.

Then his wife said, 'Yes, and if you are not good today, I'll tell everybody how awkward you were in doing it."'

1. Loyal Jones and Billy Edd Wheeler, eds., Hometown Humor, USA: Over 300 Jokes and Stories From the Porch Swings, Barber Shops, Corner Cafes and Beauty Parlors of America (Little Rock, Ark.: August House, 1991), 179. Quoted in Homiletics, June 20, 1993, Higher Allegiances Used with permission.

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While handing a 25 cent-off coupon to the supermarket clerk at the checkout counter, a woman inadvertently missed her hand, and the coupon slipped beneath the scale and was gone.

The checker looked distressed, so the woman said, "That's okay, it's in coupon heaven now."

"Coupon heaven?" the checker said.

"Yes," the woman said, "That's where coupons go when they die."

"Only the redeemed ones!" said the checker.

-Cited on Graceland Christian Humor, www.graceland.gentle.org, April 22, 1997. (1)

1. Quoted in Homiletics, April 1, 2001, Carbeque Christians Used with permission.

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A pregnant woman gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! A boy and a girl. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother ... he's an idiot!" She asks the doctor,

"Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise."

"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew."

-AAA Jokes, "Naming babies," help@aaajokes.com. (1)

1. Quoted in Homiletics April 8, 2001,  Tiger Jesus. Used with permission

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Two pals are sitting in a pub watching the 11-o’clock news. A report comes on about a man threatening to jump from the 20th floor of a downtown building.

One friend turns to the other and says, “I’ll bet you 10 bucks the guy doesn’t jump.”

“It’s a bet,” agrees his buddy.

A few minutes later, the man on the ledge jumps, so the loser hands his pal a $10 bill.

“I can’t take your money,” his friend admits. “I saw him jump earlier on the 6-o’clock news.”

“Me, too,” say the other buddy. “But I didn’t think he’d do it again!”1

1From the Ohio Motorist, cited in Reader’s Digest, June, 1994, 72. Quoted in Homiletics, Carbeque Christians April 1, 2001 (Used with permission)

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