A BIT OF HUMOR Page 4
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Sportsmanship (1)

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is and what a teamwork is all about?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what really matters is not whether we win or lose, but that we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"Good," the coach continued. "And, when a strike is called, or you're thrown out at first, you don't argue, curse, attack the umpire with a bat, or throw dirt in the opposing team members face. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded, "Well, sure, coach. That's what you taught us."

"Good," said the coach. "Now, please go over there and explain all that to your mother."

1. Mikey's Funnies [mikeys-funnies-owner@YouthSpecialties.com]

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"I don't think much of the missionary," is what the cannibal said.

"Well, that's OK" his mother replied, "Eat your vegetables instead." (1)

1. Pastor Donald Prout, West Preston, Victoria, Australia

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Food Allergy (1)

Because of an ear infection, my young son, Casey, had to go to the pediatrician.

I was impressed with the way the doctor directed his comments and questions to my son.

When he asked Casey, "Is there anything you are allergic to?" Casey nodded and whispered in his ear.

Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to me.

Without looking at it, I tucked it into my purse.

Later, the pharmacist filled the order, remarking on the unusual food-drug interaction my son must have.

When he saw my puzzled expression, he showed me the label on the bottle.

As per the doctor's instructions, it read: "Do not take with broccoli."

1. Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke! Crosswalk [You_Make_Me_Laugh@lists.crosswalk.com]

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Who's Art in Heaven? (1)

"It's no use. Art doesn't listen to me," said a little boy who was praying for a new bike.

"Art who?" asked the boy's mother.

"Art in heaven," came the reply.

1. Beliefnet Religious Jokes [BeliefnetReligiousJokes@partner.beliefnet.com]

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Textbook, Never been Used (1)

Cards offering used textbooks for sale are posted on the college notice board at the beginning of each semester. One read: "Introduction to Psychology, $8, never used." The card was signed, "Must sell."

The next day a note had been added: "Good price. Are you sure it's never been used?" Signed, "Prospective buyer."

Below in a different hand was: "Positive!" Signed, "Professor who graded his exam."

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Virgin Edna (1)

The age of the computer brings much ease and expertise to the preparation of the worship folders. Some churches which use the same basic format each week can simply call up the form on the computer screen, make a few necessary changes, and presto, it's done.

But it can be tricky.

In one church I know, they use the same format for funeral services. And when a person dies and a funeral service is prepared, the secretary simply uses the word-search-and-replace process and changes the name of the deceased from the previous service to the name of the deceased who has just passed away.

Very simple.

So when Edna died, the pastor instructed the secretary to prepare the service for her by following the above mentioned process. The last person who died was Mary. So the secretary instructed the computer to change all "Marys" to Ednas." And so it was.

Image the surprise of the attendees when they recited the Apostles Creed and read:

"He was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the Virgin Edna..."

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Dieting? (1)

Mary announced that she was going to start a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.

"Great," Sue exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. And when I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first."

"Wonderful," Mary replied. "I'll go with you."

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Hard to Believe (1)

Ending his sermon, a preacher announced that he would preach on Noah and the Ark on the following Sunday, and gave the scriptural reference for the congregation to read ahead of time.

A couple of boys noticed something interesting about the placement of the story in the Bible. They slipped into the church and glued two pages of the pulpit Bible together.

The next Sunday, the preacher got up to read his text. "Noah took unto himself a wife," he began, "and she was"-he turned the page to continue-"three hundred cubits long, fifty wide and thirty high."

He paused, scratched his head, turned the page back, read it silently, and turned the page again. Then he looked up at his congregation and said, "I've been reading this old Bible for near fifty years, but there are some things in it that are hard to believe."

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Green Bananas (1)

Approaching eighty-five years of age, Mrs. Lipkowitz finally decided it was time to give up her apartment in New York and move to Miami. She was given the name of a Florida realtor, who enthusiastically drove her all over Miami, extolling the virtues of every apartment they looked at.

"And this one, what a steal," he rhapsodized, "the investment of a lifetime. Why, in ten years it's gonna be worth three times..."

"Sonny," interrupted Mrs. Lipkowitz, "at my age I don't even buy green bananas."

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Hunting Flies (1)

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting Flies" he responded.

"Oh!, Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males and 2 females", he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on TV remote and 2 were on the phone."

1. posts@cybersaltlists.org

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Valentine's Card for Ex (1)

A woman went to the mall last week to buy Valentine's cards for her daughter and mother. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded her.

She muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have anything for ex-husbands."

The clerk behind the counter said, "Oh, yes, they do have an 'ex' category, but they're in Sporting Goods."

"Really?"

"Yes ma'am. They're called darts."

1. Received from PackyHumor, The Good, Clean Funnies List [gcfl-info@gcfl.net]

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Spelling (1)

On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage.

The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no 'I' in the word 'marriage.'"

The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my husband's spelling."

1.posts@cybersaltlists.org

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OOPS! (1)

Jerry is recovering from day surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.

"I'm ok but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.

"What did he say," asked the nurse.

"OOPS!"

1. posts@cybersaltlists.org

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Sleep Walking (1)

"I hope you didn't take it personally, Reverend," an embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon."

"I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied.

"It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the churchgoer. "Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."

1. Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth. GCFL.net

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Where Have You Been?

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women!" she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

Beliefnet Religious Jokes [BeliefnetReligiousJokes@partner.beliefnet.com]

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True value (and values) often emerge through testing. As John Ortberg says in his book The Life You've Always Wanted, "A test is a difficult experience through which a person's true values, commitments and beliefs are revealed."

He precedes this comment with the story of the college sophomore who frets all semester "in anticipation of the notoriously difficult final exam in his ornithology class. Having made what he regards as the ultimate effort, he is stunned when he walks into the classroom to take the exam. (1)

There is no blue book, no multiple-choice questions, no text booklet at all--just 25 pictures on the wall. And they are not photos of birds in resplendent color, but pictures of birds' feet. The test is to identify the birds.

"This is insane," the student protests. "It can't be done."

"It must be done," says the professor. "This is the final."

"I won't do it," the boy says. "I'm walking out."

"If you walk out, you fail the final."

"Go ahead and fail me," the boy says, heading for the door.

"Okay, you have failed. Tell me your name," the professor demands.

The boy rolls his pants up and takes his shoes off to reveal his feet: "You tell me!"

1. The Life You've Always Wanted (Grand Rapids, Mich.: Zondervan Publishing House, 1997), 209-210, Quoted in Homiletics, October 3, 1999, Virtual Values, Used with permission.

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Abraham Lincoln was awakened in the middle of the night by a bureaucrat who informed the President that one of his appointees to a high government post had died hours before.

"Can I take his place?" the bureaucrat blurted out.

Lincoln replied, "If it's all right with the undertaker, it's all right with me." (1)

1. Quoted in Homiletics, March 29, 1998 Be a Spoon, Used with Permission

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A Family is flying with their pilot mother on her first commercial flight. (1)

A man boarded an airplane and he happened to notice that one of the pilots was a woman. That was no problem. Still it was a new experience for him.

As he found his seat, he noticed the three persons sitting immediately behind him. One was a young boy about six or seven; a man in his early thirties; and a woman in her early sixties.

The man could not help but overhear the conversation of the thee people as the pilot made final plans for departure from the gate. He realized that the three persons were the female pilot's family: husband, son, and mother.

The plane taxied down the runway and poised itself for takeoff. The engines began to roar, and the plane quickly gained speed. Within seconds it was airborne.

As the plane climbed and banked, the six-year old boy began to applaud! "Way to go, Mom. Way to go!"

1. Thanks to Dr. Eric S. Ritz who credits Norman Neaves for this illustration.

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