A BIT OF HUMOR Page 3
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This is rather long, but humorous!

Smiles--- (1)

Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER.
PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY,
PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS
PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE,
BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ,
THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK).

Now that you 've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)... in other words send it to everyone. We all need a good laugh.

1. Received from Bob Berthold

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Not My boyfriend (1)

After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone number, I dialed him-and got a woman.

"Is Mike there?" I asked.

"He's in the shower," she responded.

"Please tell him his girlfriend called," I said and hung up.

When he didn't return the call, I dialed again. This time a man answered. "This is Mike," he said.

"You're not my boyfriend!" I exclaimed.

"I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."

1. posts@cybersaltlists.org

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In California's Sonoma Valley, where vineyards cater to wine snobbery, a woman phoned the classified ad department of a newspaper. She offered for sale what sounded like "well-aged Caumeneur." (1)

The ad-taker was unfamiliar with that particular wine, but was used to the infusion of French words into the local vocabulary.

"Could you please spell that?" she asked.

"You know," said the woman impatiently, "C-o-w M-a-n-u-r-e."

1. Received from Joke du Jour

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THINGS NOT TO SAY WHEN HANGING THE LIGHTS (1)
(even though it may be too late)

Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship? The other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and wallpapering.

We rush to print with an emergency list of Things Not To Say When Hanging Lights on the Christmas Tree.

~ "You've got two red lights right next to each other, goober. You're supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green, blue..."

~ "Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try."

~ "What on earth do you do to these lights when you put them away every year? Tie them in knots?"

~ "Give me that."

~ "You've got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The electric pluggee thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top."

~ "I don't care if you have found another two strings, I'm done!"

~ "You've just wound 'em around and around - I thought we agreed it shouldn't look like a perfect spiral this year?"

~ "Have you been drinking?"

~ "Where's the cat?"

~ "If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all. Don't just throw them on, like you do the icicles. You're worse than your father."

1. Mikey's Funnies [mikeys-funnies-owner@YouthSpecialties.com]

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Rev. Lynn Nulton, pastor of the United Methodist Church in Chevy Chase (MD) writes

"My teenage daughter has a friend with caller ID on her telephone, which displays the name and phone number of the caller. Her friend recently received a phone call from a Spanish speaking friend whose father’s name is Jesus. The phone is listed in the father’s name. When she looked at the caller ID, it was very startling to see that Jesus was calling and it was a local number!"

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Erma Bombeck tells how to save time and protect your valuables in the following fashion:

"I used to spend hours hiding things I valued so the kids wouldn't find them, and then use up precious time trying to find them myself. Now I simply put anything I don't want to be discovered under the dish towel. In 28 years, no one has ever touched it but me."

(Source Unknown)

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The Pastor's day had a terrible beginning. The alarm didn't go off on time. He cut himself shaving. He had trouble starting his car. Then he was pulled over for speeding.

He jumped out of the car, slammed the door and snarled at the officer: "Go ahead and write me a ticket! Everything else has gone wrong so far today."

"I know how you feel," the officer said. "I used to have days like that before I became a Christian." (1)

1. Rev. Fred Brunsting in Funny Things Happen

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A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker are sitting in a restaurant in London. The waiter says, Excuse me, but the steak on the menu is not available, as there's a shortage.

The Texan asks, What's a shortage?

The Russian asks, What's a steak?

The New Yorker asks, What the [heck] does EXCUSE ME mean? (1)

    1. Marcus Badger, A failure to communicate, Maxim, May 2001, 30.

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A young Rabbi found a serious problem in his new congregation. During the Friday service, half the congregation stood for the prayers and half remained seated, and each side shouted at the other, insisting that theirs was the true tradition. Nothing the rabbi said or did moved toward solving the impasse. Finally, in desperation, the young rabbi sought out the synagogue's 99-year-old founder. He met the old rabbi in the nursing home and poured out his troubles.

"So tell me," he pleaded, "was it the tradition for the congregation to stand during the prayers?"

"No," answered the old rabbi.

"Ah," responded the younger man, "then it was the tradition to sit during the prayers?"

"No," answered the old rabbi.

"Well," the young rabbi responded, "what we have is complete chaos! Half the people stand and shout, and the other half sit and scream."

"Ah," said the old man, "that was the tradition." (1)

   1. CHRISTIAN CENTURY January 6-13,1999, page 15

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An airline pilot, passing over an airport, called the air traffic controller and asked what time it was.

"What airline are you flying?" came back the response.

"What airline am I flying?" the pilot repeated incredulously. "What possible difference does it make? I want to know what time it is."

The controller replied patiently: "It makes all the difference in the world. If you're with United Airlines, it's 1300 hours. If you're with American, it's 3 p.m. If you're with Continental, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the three. And if you're with ComAir, it's Tuesday."

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Believing in God is a lot like wearing clean underwear. You never know when you're going to be in an accident, but you'd better be prepared just in case. (1)

1. Eddie Ifft, "Laugh at these jokes or we'll shoot the receptionist," GQ, June 1999, 250. Quoted in Homiletics, June 17, 2001 Rule-less Living

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Six-year-old Angie and her 4-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. (1)

Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud.

Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

1. Unknown, Quoted in Homiletics, May 27, 2001, Voyager Church, Used with permission

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An applicant was being interviewed for a job.

The employer held a glowing letter of reference and complimented the applicant on such an impressive letter.

With modesty the reply came: "I'm glad you liked it. I wrote it my self." (1)

1. Quoted in Homiletics, October 6, 1991, Global Warming. Used with permission

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Dad had been teaching his 3-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer.

For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after him the lines from the prayer.

Finally, she decided to go solo. He listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen." (1)

1. Quoted in Homiletics, May 27, 2001, Voyager Church, Used with permission

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Here's an old story about a farmer talking to the Lord:

"If I had a million dollars, I'd give it to you, Lord. If I had a thousand acres, I'd turn them over to you, Lord."

The Lord said: ""Well, how about a pig?"

"Take it easy there, Lord; I've got a pig."

Quoted in Homiletics, June 20, 1993, Higher Allegiances. Used with permission

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After years of suffering in silence, a woman got fed up with her husband's drinking. (1)

Her husband refused to go to church or to Alcoholics Anonymous or to a counselor to get help.

Finally, she enlisted the man's brothers in a plan to shock him away from the bottle.

When he came home drunk one night, they carried him to a car and drove him to a cemetery.

Then they dug a hole and buried him standing up, with only his head above ground.

When the man awoke the next morning, he looked up at the blue skies and the shining sun, and heard a chorus of birds singing.

Then he saw tombstones all around him.

"How about that?" he said, blinking. 'It's Resurrection Day, and I guess I'm the first one up."

1. Anonymous

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