A BIT OF HUMOR Page 2

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Letter From Camp (This may be old, but it is still worth a couple of laughs. LRS)

Dear Mom and Dad:

Our scout master told us all to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast.

I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Walt got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Walt gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Walt said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car.

He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Walt is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic.

All we ever see up there are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Walt wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Walt isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up, but scoutmaster Walt said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken, he said they got sick that way with the food they ate in prison.

I'm so glad he got out and become our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.

I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love, Cole

PS: How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

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Grandma Thanks1

A grandmother was headed out the door to go to church one Sunday when she got a call from her daughter. 'Would Grandma like to have her three little grandchildren visit while her daughter and son-in-law took a five-day holiday trip?' Grandma was so delighted she put five dollars in the collection basket at church and thanked the Lord.

The Sunday after the grandchildren had returned home, she put twenty dollars in the collection.

1Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Prison Quartet (1)

While I was preaching in a church in Mississippi, the pastor announced that their prison quartet would be singing the following evening. I wasn't aware there was a prison in the vicinity and I looked forward to hearing them.

The next evening, I was puzzled when four members of the church approached the stage. Then the pastor introduced them.

"This is our prison quartet," he said, "behind a few bars and always looking for the key."

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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A CleanPun. (1)

A wife and husband both talked in their sleep. She loved auctions; his hobby was golf.The other night, the man yelled, "Fore!"

His wife yelled back, "Four Fifty!"

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Poor Preacher (1)

The minister's car wouldn't start and he called the garage to come and tow it in for repair.

When the truck driver appeared at his house to get the car, the minister said, "I hope you'll go easy on me. You know, I'm only a poor preacher."

"I know," said the tow truck driver, "I've heard you preach!"

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Former Bank (1)

Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something 'practical' for her birthday.

"Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy was delighted.

"It's your account, darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application."

Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your former bank.' After a slight hesitation, she put down 'Piggy.'

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Taxes have been paid, but here are a couple of humorous pieces that came my way. I share them with you.

J J J J J J J J

A man submitting information to his income tax preparer was asked how many dependents he had. "Sixteen," he replied.

The preparer asked, "Would you mind repeating that?"

The man replied, "Not if I can help it."

J J J J J J J J

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet: The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (professional wrestlers, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender agreed, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the dried, wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and SIX drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

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Art Interpretation (1)

Liz goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings.

One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it.

The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it.

Liz walks over to the artist and says, "I don't understand your paintings."

"I paint what I feel inside me," explains the artist.

"Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?"

1. Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke! You Make Me Laugh [You_Make_Me_Laugh@crosswalkmail.com]

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Imported - Domestic (1)

The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased that he asked to speak to the chef. The owner proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef.

"Your Veal Parmigiana was superb," the customer said. "I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there."

"Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported from Italy."

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Foreign Objects (1)

The truck driver looked suspiciously at the soup he had just been served in an eatery. It contained dark flecks of seasoning, but two of the spots were suspicious.

"Hey," he called out to the waitress, "these particles in my soup, aren't they foreign objects?"

She scrutinized his bowl.

"No, sir!" she reassured him. "Those things live around here."

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Birthstones (1)

While picking up a prescription, I noticed that the woman who gave me my medication was wearing a beautiful mother's ring.

"I love your ring," I said. "It's very similar to mine." And I held out my hand to show her. Each ring had three birthstones. "You have three children too?" I asked.

"Well, no," the woman replied. "When my daughter picked this out for me, she liked the rings with three settings the best. So I have a birthstone for two daughters, and this one," she said while pointing to the center gem, "is for the cat."

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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What A Ride (1)

As my husband, the county highway commissioner, was driving to the hospital for treatment of his painful leg, he decided to use the valet parking service so he wouldn't have to walk far. Staring at his official-looking vehicle, one of the valets asked my husband if he was driving a government car.

"Why, yes," my husband replied, surprised by the question. "In fact it's an unmarked police car."

"Wow!" the young man said, sliding behind the wheel. "This will be the first time I've been in the front seat."

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Musical Instrument (1)

My wife and I were browsing in a crafts store when I noticed a display of country-style musical instruments. After looking over the flutes, dulcimers and recorders, I picked up a shiny, one-stringed instrument I took to be a mouth harp. I put it to my lips and, much to the amusement of other shoppers, twanged a few notes on it.

After watching from a distance, my wife came up and whispered in my ear, "I hate to tell you this, honey, but you're trying to play a cheese slicer."

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Long-winded Preacher (1)

The guest preacher got a bit carried away and talked for more than an hour. Finally, he realizes what he is doing and says, "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home."

A voice from the back of the room says, "There's a calendar behind you."

1. preachingnow@preaching.com

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As he was driving home from work, a man in a rural community was stopped by a local police officer. The motorist was given a ticket for failing to come to a full stop at a stop sign.

"Don't I get a warning?" he protested.

The officer replied, "Sure. If you don't come to a complete stop next time, you'll get another ticket."

Retrieved from: Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Broad View (1)

It was New Year's day and the Rose Parade was just starting. To get the best view, we had splurged on reserved seats in the grandstand. Yet every time a float passed, the large man in front of us stood to take pictures. We could see nothing.

Drastic action was called for. I took a picture of the scene in front of us with my Polaroid. When the photo developed, I gave it to the man, who looked wordlessly at a shot of his rear end.

He remained seated for the rest of the parade.

1. Received from Clean Laffs (who got it from Reader's Digest). The Good, Clean Funnies List [gcfl-info@gcfl.net]

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When the check isn't in the mail (1)

A kindly 90-year-old grandmother found buying presents for family and friends a bit much last Christmas. So she wrote out checks for all of them to put in their Christmas cards.

In each card she carefully wrote, "Buy your own present" and then sent them off.

After the Christmas festivities were over, she found the checks under a pile of papers on her desk!

Everyone on her gift list had received a beautiful Christmas card from her with "Buy your own present" written inside-- without the check!

1. Thanks to Gabe Combs for today's Illustration. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Villager (1)

I was casting kids in our church for our annual Christmas play, and I was giving out choices, such as Shepherd, Lamb, Villager.

One 5-year-old couldn't decide, so I said, "Luke, you can be a Villager." He said, "OK," and ran over to his parents.

Very excited, he said to them, "Guess what! I get to be a mini-van!"

1. Quoted by Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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I Know About Santa (1)

I figured that at age seven it was inevitable for my son to begin having doubts about Santa Claus.

Sure enough, one day he said, "Mom, I know something about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy."

Taking a deep breath, I asked him, "What is that?"

He replied, "They're all nocturnal."

1. Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke! Crosswalk [You_Make_Me_Laugh@lists.crosswalk.com]

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Serving Two Masters (1)

A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on the issue of polygamy. After long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the Mormon demanded that Twain cite any passage of scripture expressly forbidding polygamy.

"Nothing easier," Twain replied. "No man can serve two masters."

1. Beliefnet Religious Jokes [BeliefnetReligiousJokes@partner.beliefnet.com]

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Hallucinations (1)

A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Heidberg, and sat down to explain his problem.

"Doctor, doctor! I've got this problem," the man said. "I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!"

"A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Relax. Come here and lie down on the couch."

"Oh no, Doctor," the man said nervously, "I'm not allowed up on the furniture."

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Saintly Sons (1)

Two mothers were talking about their sons.

The first said, "My son is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years."

The other woman said, "Well, my son is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time."

"My word," the first mother said. "You must be so proud."

"I am," the second mother replied. "And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party."

1. Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke! Crosswalk [You_Make_Me_Laugh@lists.crosswalk.com]

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Patience (1)

Little Johnny had just been put to bed for the umpteenth time.

His mother's patience was wearing thin. "If I hear you call 'Mother' one more time, you will be punished," she warned him sternly.

For a while it was quiet, and then she heart a small voice call from the top of the stairs, "Mrs. Jones? Can I have a drink of water?"

1. Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth. The Good, Clean Funnies List [gcfl-info@gcfl.net]

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Tight Shoes (1)

A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

"Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk says.

"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Excerpts from Letters Sent to Landlords (1)

  1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

  2. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

  3. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

  4. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

  5. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

  6. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

  7. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

  8. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

  9. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.

  10. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

    1. Mikey's Funnies [mikeys-funnies-owner@YouthSpecialties.com][forwarded by Jarrod Pillsbury]

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Bridge Trouble (1)

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway when a sign comes up that reads "Low bridge ahead."

Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.

Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck huh?"

The truck driver replies, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!

1. Crosswalk [You_Make_Me_Laugh@lists.crosswalk.com]

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"I decided to stop worrying about my teenage son's driving and take advantage of it.

"I got one of those bumper stickers that say, "How's my driving?" and put a 900 number on it.

"At 50 cents a call, I've been making $38 a week." (1)

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Sermons (1)

Gladys Dunn was new in town and decided to visit the church nearest to her new apartment. She appreciated the pretty sanctuary and the music by the choir. But the sermon went on and on. Worse, it wasn't at all interesting.

Glancing around, she saw many in the congregation nodding off. Finally it was over. After the service, she turned to a still sleepy-looking gentleman next to her, extended her hand and said,

"I'm Gladys Dunn."

He replied, "You and me both!"

1. (from Derl Keefer) preachingnow@preaching.com

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A car screeched to a halt at an intersection barely missing an elderly lady. Instead of bawling out the driver, she just smiled sweetly and pointed to a pair of baby shoes dangling from the rearview mirror.

"Young man," she asked, "why don't you put your shoes back on?"

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A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York a couple of days before Christmas and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "No way they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately and screams at her father, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas and paying their own way

From: Fred Hughes

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Addition (1)

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

1. posts@cybersaltlists.org

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Ancient Ancestry (1)

The following was overheard at a recent high society party.

"My ancestry goes back all the way to Alexander the Great," said Christine.

She then turned to Miriam and asked, "How far back does your family go?"

"I don't know," replied Miriam, "All of our records were lost in the flood."

1. Beliefnet Religious Jokes [BeliefnetReligiousJokes@partner.beliefnet.com]

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Mistaken Identity (1)

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive.

He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

1. www.MikeysFunnies.com!

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In-laws (1)

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."

1. Mikey's Funnies [mikeys-funnies-owner@YouthSpecialties.com]

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Lost at Sea? (1)

Yossi and Janine, an elderly Jewish couple, are sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down in a few minutes time. The good news is that I can see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. The bad news is that this island appears to be uncharted - I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives."

Yossi turns to Janine and asks, "Janine, dear, did we turn off the oven?" and Janine replies, "Of course."

"Janine, are our life insurance policies paid up?"

"Of course."

"Janine, did we pay our pledge for the synagogue appeal?"

"Oh my God, I forgot to send off the check."

"Thank Heaven! They'll find us."

1. Beliefnet Religious Jokes [BeliefnetReligiousJokes@partner.beliefnet.com]

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Aging and Marriage (1)

A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand and Boom!

He was 90.

1. http://www.funnybone.ws/

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Jonah's Fate(1)

After hearing the story of Jonah at Sunday School, a little girl spoke to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because, even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.

The little girl said, "But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale."

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. "It is physically impossible!" she said.

Undaunted, the little girl said, "Well, when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

To this, the teacher said, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then YOU ask him!"

1. Beliefnet Religious Jokes [BeliefnetReligiousJokes@partner.beliefnet.com]

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Guardian Angel on the Job (1)

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, and a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where in the world were you when I got married?"

1. Beliefnet Religious Jokes [BeliefnetReligiousJokes@partner.beliefnet.com]

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Funny Things Happen (1)

On the wall of the men's room at a Kansas truck stop were scribbled the words: "If God be for us, who can be against us?"

Scrawled beneath someone had added: "The highway patrol!"

--Msgr. Arthur Tonne "Jokes Priests Can Tell"

1. Cal and Rose Samra Holy Humor, "Fellowship of Merry Christians, Portage, MI, p 152

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The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?"

The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."

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The Rewards of Lying1

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.

The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?" One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."

Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."

1Found at http://www.funnybone.ws/ Check out this site it has a lot of really "good" humor

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Church Restoration Project (1)

There was a tradesman, a painter named Jack, who was very interested in making a dollar where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time.

Eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration project. Jack put in a painting bid and, because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he started, erecting the scaffolding and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and thinning it down.

Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church. Swiftly Jack got off the scaffold and down on the lawn.

Jack was no fool. He saw this as a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

1. Received from Beliefnet Religious Jokes [BeliefnetReligiousJokes@partner.beliefnet.com]

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Paper-Eating Dog1

A minister delivered a sermon in 10 minutes one Sunday morning, which was about half the usual length of his Sermons. He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning."

After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher and said, "Reverend, if that dog of yours has any pups, I want to give one to my minister."

1.Beliefnet Religious Jokes [BeliefnetReligiousJokes@partner.beliefnet.com]

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A church secretary was spending her summer vacation at the beach. She was sunning herself on the sand when a little boy, also in a swimming suit, came up to her and asked: "Say, Miss, do you believe in God?" She answered: "I certainly do. I believe in God with all my heart." Then he asked: "Well, do you go to church every Sunday?" She said: "I certainly do." Then he asked: "Do you read your Bible every day?" To which she replied: "Yes!" "Good," he said, "Will you hold my quarter? I'm going to take a swim."

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Turbulent Times (1)

A plane hit a patch of severe turbulence and the passengers were holding on tight as it rocked and reeled through the night.

A little old lady turned to a minister who was sitting behind her and said, "You're a man of God. Can't you do something about this?"

He replied, "Sorry, I can't. I'm in sales, not management."

1. Beliefnet Religious Jokes [BeliefnetReligiousJokes@partner.beliefnet.com]

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"Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly. Never forget that the devil fell by force of gravity...A good joke is the closest thing to divine revelation...They who have the faith have the fun."

�G. K. Chesterton

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A father promised his kids he would take them to the beach. While they were getting ready, he lay down to take a nap.

The children were playing but were eager to get going to the beach. The father woke up, but he pretended to be asleep and kept his eyes closed.

Soon, his little 5-year-old girl came over to him, pried open his eyelid, peeked in and said, He's still in there.

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The young minister was giving his first after-dinner speech before a large audience, and he felt extremely nervous.

Before long, he gave up. My dear friends he told his listeners, when I came in here this evening only God and I knew what I had planned to say to you--now only God knows!

--Anonymous

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A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it.

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand and said, "Wedding Cake."

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The Whale Show (1)

At Sea World, our grandson absolutely refused to see the show featuring Shamu the killer whale, but he wouldn't tell us why.

No amount of discussion could get him to change his mind.

Later, when we got home, we discovered the reason for his reluctance.

An aunt had told him how exciting the show would be because "they choose children from the audience to feed Shamu."

1. http://www.funnybone.ws/

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The Pastor shocked the congregation when he announced that he was resigning and moving to a drier climate. After the service, a very distraught lady came to the pastor with tears in her eyes, "Oh, Pastor we are going to miss you so much! We don't want you to leave!"

The kind-hearted Pastor said, "Now, now, Mrs. Snow, don't carry on. The pastor who takes my place might be even better than me."

"Yeah," she said, with a tone of disappointment in her voice. "That's what they said the last time too."

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KIDS DO SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS (1)

Dr. and Mrs. Alvin Schutmaat, Presbyterian missionaries in Columbia and Venezuela had all boys. When mother was pregnant, expecting the sixth child, they were sitting around the dining room table and asked what they wanted for the next one, boy or girl? Everyone told his preference. Finally the youngest, four years old, came up and whispered something in his mother's ear. "Mommy, could we make it a puppy this time?"

1. Vincent R. Castro, Grand Prairie, Texas

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What Could God Do with a Complete Ass? (1)

St. John Vianney, the Cure of Ars, was not noted for his repartee, but when one of his professors called him a "complete ass" and wondered what he could ever accomplish.

He replied, "If Samson, armed only with the jawbone of an ass, could kill 1,000 Philistines, imagine what God could do with a complete ass."

1. Catholic Digest, Feb. 92, p. 100.

If you are not familiar with the story look up Judges 15.15-17.

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Three Eggs and $100 (1)

An elderly pastor was searching his closet for his collar before church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing three eggs and 100 $1 bills.

He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents. Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for their entire 30 years of marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "Why?"

The wife replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings. He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings. She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box.

The pastor felt that three poor Sermons in 30 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for.

She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbors for $1."

1. Source: Beliefnet Religious Jokes [BeliefnetReligiousJokes@partner.beliefnet.com]

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You may have heard this one before, but it is good for a chuckle.

A Bunny Story

Once upon a time there was a man who was peacefully driving down a windy road. Suddenly, a bunny skipped across the road and the man couldn't stop. He hit the bunny head on. The man quickly jumped out of his car to check the scene. There, lying lifeless in the middle of the road, was the Easter Bunny.

The man cried out, "Oh no! I have committed a terrible crime! I have run over the Easter Bunny!"

The man started sobbing quite hard and then he heard another car approaching. It was a woman in a red convertible. The woman stopped and asked what the problem was.

The man explained, "I have done something horribly sad. I have run over the Easter Bunny. Now there will be no one to deliver eggs on Easter, and it's all my fault."

The woman ran back to her car. A moment later, she came back carrying a spray bottle. She ran over to the motionless bunny and sprayed it. The bunny immediately sprang up, ran into the woods, stopped, and waved back at the man and woman. Then it ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved. It then ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved again. It did this over and over and over again until the man and the woman could no longer see the bunny.

Once out of sight, the man exclaimed, "What is that stuff in that bottle?"

The woman replied, "It's harespray. It revitalizes hare and adds permanent wave."

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It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter.

When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches.

The boy asked what they were for. "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by."

"Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed, "The one Sunday I don't go, He shows up!"

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Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was.

Grandma answered, "39 and holding."

Johnny thought for a moment, and then said, "And how old would you be if you let go?"

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Three churches - Baptist, Methodist, and Presbyterian worked together to sponsor a community-wide revival. After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.

The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families."

The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families."

The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"

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A recent cartoon shows a man worshipfully kneeling at an altar. But instead of the expected symbol, perched on top of this altar is a huge replica of a #1 lottery ball.

The man is soulfully closing a just-uttered prayer with the words, "For thine is the kingdom, the powerball, and the glory forever. Amen."

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An ad in the classifieds offered a retired police dog for sale for $25. A woman who lived alone thought a police dog might make a good watchdog as well as a companion, so she quickly called the station and sent her check.

Later, a police officer delivered a mangy, pitiful looking creature. When the woman protested the dog's appearance and said she wanted the dog to guard her and the house, the officer replied: Now, ma'am, don't let this dog's looks deceive you. He's in the Secret Service.

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A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"

A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.

"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.

"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

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The chairman of the pastor search committee informed the congregation: "Next Sunday our visiting preacher will be the Rev. Bill Oaks. If you would like to see the other preachers, you will find them hanging in the vestibule."

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A family sat down at the dinner table following church one Sunday. "The sermon was boring today," said the teenage son. "Yeah, could you believe how the pastor stumbled over the reading of the Scripture?" his sister chimed in. "I've got to admit it was an uninspiring day," said Mother. "The choir was terrible." Finally, father, showing his leadership, said, "Hush, you guys. Quit complaining. What did you expect for a quarter?"

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A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service: "And forgive us our trash passes as we forgive those who passed trash against us." (1)

1. Rescued from the Internet, Source Unknown, Forgive Me!

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While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...

"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust." (1)

1. Provided by Jeffrey Burkhardt via E-mail. Original source unknown.

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An effective opening illustration

A preacher was standing in a receiving line after his first service. Everyone was telling him what a 'nice' sermon it was, when a strange-looking guy came through the line, grabbed his hand, and said, 'Preacher, that was the worst sermon I ever heard.'

The pastor was a little surprised, but went right on shaking hands. A few minutes later the same guy came through the line again. This time he said, 'That sermon had nothing to do with the text.'

Later, this same fellow showed up a third time: 'Preacher,' he said, 'If all your Sermons are as boring as that one, I'm never coming back here again.'

At that point, a considerate member of the Staff-Parish Relations Committee drew the pastor aside and said, 'Don't worry about him. He's just a little crazy. He just repeats what he hears everyone else saying.'

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Four clergymen were on the way home from a conference. The conversation was casual, but became serious when one of them proposed that they should start confessing their sins to each other.

The first one admitted, My sin is gambling. It's almost an obsession.

The second confessed, Well, my problem is alcohol. I'm really addicted to it.

The third sighed, I'll have to admit that I look lustfully at beautiful women.

The fourth clergyman was silent. The others urged him to stand by their agreement to come clean and confess.

Well, my friends, he said, I might as well tell you. My sin is that of gossiping and tale-bearing, and when we get home, I'm going to have a ball!

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Abraham bought himself a fancy new computer. He was showing it to Isaac one day.
"Look at all the wonderful programs it has on it. And look at all the neat things it can do..."

Isaac was impressed, but a little concerned..." But dad, I don't think your computer has enough memory."

Abraham said "Don't worry son; the Lord will provide the RAM."

The Presby Philes

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A man entering a country store saw a sign on the door: Danger! Beware of Dog! Inside was a harmless old hound asleep on the threshold. "Is that the dog we*re supposed to beware of?" he asked. "Yep," said the proprietor. "Well, he doesn't look dangerous to me," said the man. "Why the sign?" Said the proprietor, "Because, before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

As quoted in: Leonard Sweet, Carpe Maana, Zondervan, Grand Rapids, MI, 2001, p 15

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The protective spouse of the minister who, when her husband was off playing golf, answered all phone inquiries with: "No, I'm afraid he's away on a course."

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"Some ministers would make good martyrs; they are so dry they would burn well."

~Charles Haddon Spurgeon

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An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing," on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing." (1)

1. Something Fun for You, from: Lora Cawkins: [e-mail address], Sent: Friday, May 10, 2002 11:18 AM

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A fool and his money are soon elected. (1)

1. Anonymous, I wonder why?

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Mark Hatfield, So. Paris Maine tells this story.

Two Aardvarks, Art and Albert met at a very small anthill.

Art takes a look at the anthill and says, "If we are both going to this hill neither of us is going to have a decent meal because there is only enough for one of us. So why don't we fight it out and the winner gets them all."

Albert agrees and in one tenth of a second Art grabs Albert by the snout and slams him into the ground, swings him around and flips him fifty feet into the air.

On the sidelines other Aardvarks are watching and one says to the other.

"What kind of an Aardvark is Art?

The other one says, "Well before he got that nose job, he was an alligator.

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Water hole (1)

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked. "I only came to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill.

1. Received by e-mail Sunday, October 13, 2002 11:11 PM, No attribution given.

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A preacher phoned the city's newspaper. "Thank you very much," said he, "for the error you made when you announced my sermon topic for last Sunday. The topic I sent you was 'What Jesus Saw in A Publican.' You printed it as 'What Jesus Saw in a Republican' I had the biggest crowd of the year!"

(from the The Christian Humor Hotline! Check it out!)

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A breaking news report:

CNN reports a new virus has been recently discovered. One person can pass it on to millions as it is very contagious.

The Centers for Disease Control has reported this week that the virus spreads very rapidly from one person to the next. They have put a very interesting name on this virus. It is called ... a smile.

Oh, oh. Too late! I see the virus on your face already. (1)

1. Thanks to Karl Kraft. © 2002 Communication Resources. All rights reserved. Used with permission.

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Two lawyers are having a drink after work. The most amazing thing happened to me last night, said the first one. I was working, and suddenly the devil was standing before me, right there in my office! He told me that in exchange for my soul, I could become a United States Senator!

Great! says his friend. But what's the catch? (1)

1. The Big Book of New American Humor (New York: HarperCollins Publishers, 1990), 106. © 2002 Communication Resources, All Rights Reserved. Used with permission.

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James Roose-Evans is an actor/director as well as an Anglican priest. In 1973 he was asked to direct the Chester Mystery Plays for the Chester Festival of Arts. In his portrayal of Christ after the resurrection, he ran up against a problem "never contemplated by the scholar or theologian." (1)

"One evening I went to visit the Dean of Chester. 'Dean Addleshaw,' I said, 'I have a problem. What did Jesus wear at the Resurrection? The shroud was neatly folded in the tomb, so was he naked or did he have a suit run up by a little Jewish tailor? In other words: what does the actor wear on stage?'

"At that moment all the Dean's clocks began to strike, chime and boom the same second.

"'Dear me,' he murmured. 'No one has ever asked me that. I'll have to consult my books. Can you come back in a few days?'

"A week later, still without an answer, I went down to Robertsbridge in Sussex to see Malcolm Muggeridge. On arrival I put the same question to him.

"'My dear boy,' he beamed, 'he was clothed in transcendental glory!'"

1. James Roose-Evans, The Inner Stage: Finding a Center in Prayer and Ritual (Cambridge, Mass.: Cowley Publications, 1990), 59-60.

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You may have seen the following, if so laugh anyway, LRS

Some children's answers to church school questions (released by a Church of England publication) (1):

- Noah's wife was called Joan of Arc.

- Henry VIII thought so much of Wolsey that he made him a cardigan.

- The fifth commandment is Humor thy father and mother.

- Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night.

- Salome was a woman who danced naked in front of Harrod's.

- Holy acrimony is another name for marriage.

- The pope lives in a vacuum.

- The patron saint of travelers is St. Francis of the sea sick.

- Iran is the bible of the Moslems.

- A Republican is a sinner mentioned in the Bible.

- Abraham begat Isaac and Isaac begat Jacob and Jacob begat 12 partridges.

- The natives of Macedonia did not believe, so Paul got stoned.

- The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

- It is sometimes difficult to hear what is being said in church because the agnostics are so terrible.

1. Thanks to Bob Terry, RATerry@SAUmag.edu © 2002 Communication Resources, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Used with permission.

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Three men were stranded on a Pacific island. One of them found a magic bottle with a genie inside who promised to grant each one of them just one wish.

The first man said, "I wish that I were at home with my family and friends." And he was gone.

The second man said, "I, too, wish that I were home with my family and friends." And, Roof!, he was also gone.

The third man said, "It's lonely here all alone, I wish my friends were back here to keep me company.

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Dannie Abse, the Welsh poet/physician, tells of the paperback publication of his autobiography A Poet in the Family. (1)

On the cover is a photograph of myself and beneath it the inevitable boasting quote. In this case, 'A magnificently conceived word on the author's life'--Guardian.

However, I have a secret to disclose. When the publisher sent to me for my approval the rough of the cover, the quote beneath my photograph was somewhat briefer. It read, 'Magnificently conceived.' My parents, had they been alive, might have wanly smiled at that, or at least raised their eyebrows. But there is a point...where boasting goes too far.

1. Dannie Abse, Intermittent Journals (Brigend, Wales: Seren, 1994), 95

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There is a Peanuts comic strip in which Linus is listening carefully as his sister, Lucy, boasts about her religious faith and her potential as an evangelist.

She says to Linus: I could be a terrific evangelist. Do you know that kid who sits behind me in school? I convinced him that my religion is better than his religion.

Linus asks: How did you do that?

Lucy replies: I hit him with my lunch box.

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If the disciples had sung, "Give me that old-time religion, it's good enough for me," we'd all be wearing yarmulkes. (1)

1. James A. Harnish, "God's Dragnet," 7 August 1994, Tampa Fla.

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I received this one from my daughter, Lora Cawkins. It is great!

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests
shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated
to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted.

After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by
two of the Brothers. The first one says, "Hello, I am Brother Michael, and
this is Brother Charles."

"I'm very pleased to meet you," replies the nun. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner.
The fish and chips were the best I've ever had! Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"

Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."

She turned to the other Brother and said, "Then you must be...?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so -- I am the chip monk."

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A man and his daughter got on a hotel elevator and headed up. Part way up, the elevator stopped, and on walked an absolutely gorgeous woman. She pushed the button for her floor, and the elevator started up again. Suddenly, she turned around and slapped the father very hard. About the same time the elevator reached her floor, and she got off.

The little girl turned to her father and said, She didn't like you, did she? I guess not, her father replied as he stroked his red cheek. She certainly did slap me hard. The little girl said, Don't feel bad, dad. I didn't like her either. She stepped on my toe, so I pinched her. (1)

1. Barry Bailey, 25 April 1993, Fort Worth, Tex.

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A woman's husband dies. She has only $20,000 to her name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that she has no money left. The friend says, "How can that be? You told me you still had $20,000 left just a few days before your husband died. How could you be broke?"

The widow says, "Well, the funeral home cost me $5,000. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the church, so that was another $5,000. The rest went for the memorial stone."

The friend says, "$10,000 for the memorial stone? Gracious, how big was it?"

Extending her left hand, the widow says, "About three carats." (1)

1. © 2002, Homiletics. (Cited in Homiletics On Line. Used with permission.)

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Believing in God is a lot like wearing clean underwear. You never know when you're going to be in an accident, but you'd better be prepared just in case. (1)

1. Eddie Ifft, "Laugh at these jokes or we'll shoot the receptionist," GQ, June 1999, 250. Cited in Homiletics on Line. Used with permission.

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A preacher phoned the city's newspaper. "Thank you very much," said he, "for the error you made when you announced my sermon topic for last Sunday. The topic I sent you was 'What Jesus Saw in A Publican.' You printed it as 'What Jesus Saw in a Republican' I had the biggest crowd of the year!"

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No Dogs Allowed

The hospital I work for publishes a monthly magazine for its employees. Recently, an issue featured a new CAT scan machine that the hospital had purchased. My daughter, Molly, 5, was looking at the magazine and asked, "What is that?" My mother replied, "That's called a CAT scan." Molly thought for a second, then asked, "Does it work on dogs, too?"

Tricia Marshall, Kentucky (1)

1. "This article first appeared in September/October 2001 issue of Today's Christian Woman. Used by permission of Christianity Today International, Carol Stream, IL 60188."

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The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. How are you, darling? the voice said. What kind of a day are you having?

Oh, mother, said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples to dinner tonight.

The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. Oh, darling, she said, sit down, relax and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once.

George? said the housewife. Who's George?

Why, George! Your husband!...Is this 223-1374?

No, this is 223-1375.

Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number.

There was a short pause and the housewife said, Does this mean you're not coming over?

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