A Bit of Humor, Page  18

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A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!"

The lumberjack grinned and said, "And you will dialogue."

Pastor Tim <posts@cybersaltlists.org>

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When we take our dog on a car journey, we carry his drinking water in a gin bottle. On one occasion we stopped for lunch and let him out of the car. Pouring some water from the bottle into his bowl, I noticed a man watching with fascination.

He came over to me and whispered, "I hope that you're not going to let him drive!"

Received from Da Mouse Tracks. The Good Clean Funnies List <gcfl-info@gcfl.net>

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Mom seeing her 11-year-old son perusing a website filled with photos of Britney Spears, commented, "She certainly is pretty. Which picture do you like best?"

"I don't know," he mumbled, embarrassed by his newfound interest in girls. "I'm just reading about her."

I came closer and peered at the screen."Oh, really?" I said. "So when did you learn to read Spanish?

Pastor Tim <posts@cybersaltlists.org>

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The first-time father, beside himself with excitement over the birth of his son, was determined to do everything right.

"So, tell me, Nurse," he asked as his new family headed out the hospital door, "what time should we wake the little guy in the morning?"

The Good Clean Funnies List [20171201] via GCFL <gcfl@gcfl.net> Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

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A preacher at a Christian school, wanted to point out the proper behavior for church. He was trying to elicit from the youngsters, rules that their parents might give before taking them to a nice restaurant.

"Don't play with your food," one second grader cited.

"Don't be loud," said another, and so on...

"And what rule do your parents give you before you go out to eat?" the preacher inquired of one little boy.

Without batting an eye, the child replied, "Order something cheap."

From Da Mouse Tracks docsdailychuckle@freegroups.net

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It was an absolutely crazy evening at our emergency clinic.

The doctor on duty was being bombarded with questions, given forms to fill out, and even asked for his dinner order.

I was in the next room, cleaning up a sutured wound, when I realized the doctor hadn't given instructions for a bandage. "What kind of dressing do you want on that?" I shouted through the door.

"Ranch," he yelled back.

From Da Mouse Tracks docsdailychuckle@freegroups.net

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Waiting for an elevator at a local hospital, I was standing next to a maintenance person holding a bicycle pump.

Noticing my curious stares, he looked at me and remarked with a smile, "It's the newest HMO oxygen program."

Pastor Tim <posts@cybersaltlists.org>

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The Fourth of July was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism.

"We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free."

One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said, "I'm not free. I'm four."

from Mikey's Funnies docsdailychuckle@freegroups.net

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While on vacation, a friend and her husband visited a church one Sunday. They settled into a pew near the front of the church.

An usher came up to them, tapped on the pew and said, "This pew is saved."

Her husband looked up, smiled and replied, "That's OK. So are we!"

via Rev. Dr. Karl R. Kraft Dover, DE

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13-year-old Dewey spent a beautiful Saturday and Sunday indoors playing video games.

His older sister tried coaxing him outside by warning, "Someday, you're going to be 30 years old, single, and living in Mom's basement playing video games all day!"

His reply: "I can only dream."

[forwarded by Steve Sanderson] Mikey's Funnies <funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com>

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A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice. Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied.

Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."

Received from Michael. The Good Clean Funnies List [20170308] <gcfl-info@gcfl.net>

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A certain man had invited the pastor and his wife for dinner, and it was little Joey’s job to set the table.

But when it came time to eat, Joey’s mother said with surprise, “Why didn’t you give Mrs. Brown a knife and fork dear?”

“I didn’t think I needed to,” as everyone listened as Joey explained, “I heard Daddy say she always eats like a horse.”

Crosswalk [You_Make_Me_Laugh@lists.crosswalk.com]. hanks to Pastor Tim for this joke! http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

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A devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.

Three weeks later a cow walked up carrying the Bible in its mouth!

The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward, and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

"Not really," said the cow. "Your name was written inside the cover."

[forwarded by Gretchen Patti] Mikey's Funnies <funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com>

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Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 4!

Pastor Tim <posts@cybersaltlists.org>

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A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled. "Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

Mikey's Funnies <funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com>

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The elderly man flattered himself that he was still a ladies' man, and decided to flirt with the beautiful waitress.

"So tell me, sweetheart, where have you been all my life?" he crooned.

"Actually, sir," she pointed out sweetly, "for the first 45 years of it, I wasn't even around."

from ArcaMax Jokes docsdailychuckle@freegroups.net

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Stay!

I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car gave me a startled look. "I don't know about you, lady," he said incredulously. "But I usually just put my car in park."

from Thomas E. (via GCIF) docsdailychuckle@freegroups.net

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How Much Are Your Dogs

It seems this Goober was wanting a dog for a pet, so he went to the local pet store to buy one.

He asked the clerk "how much are your dogs?"

She replied, "They are $10.00 apiece."

The goober replied, "How much for a whole one?!"

Pastor Tim <posts@cybersaltlists.org>

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Happy Father's Day!

On the day I received my learner's permit, my father agreed to take me out for a driving lesson. With a big grin, he hopped in behind the driver's seat. "Why aren't you sitting up front on the passenger's side?" I asked.

"Kirsten, I've been waiting for this ever since you were a little girl," Dad replied. "Now it's my turn to sit back here and kick the seat."

Received from Kirsten Wiley, Reader's Digest.The Good, Clean Funnies List <gcfl-info@gcfl.net>

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