A Bit of Humor, Page  18

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Waiting for an elevator at a local hospital, I was standing next to a maintenance person holding a bicycle pump.

Noticing my curious stares, he looked at me and remarked with a smile, "It's the newest HMO oxygen program."

Pastor Tim <posts@cybersaltlists.org>

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The Fourth of July was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism.

"We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free."

One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said, "I'm not free. I'm four."

from Mikey's Funnies docsdailychuckle@freegroups.net

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While on vacation, a friend and her husband visited a church one Sunday. They settled into a pew near the front of the church.

An usher came up to them, tapped on the pew and said, "This pew is saved."

Her husband looked up, smiled and replied, "That's OK. So are we!"

via Rev. Dr. Karl R. Kraft Dover, DE

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13-year-old Dewey spent a beautiful Saturday and Sunday indoors playing video games.

His older sister tried coaxing him outside by warning, "Someday, you're going to be 30 years old, single, and living in Mom's basement playing video games all day!"

His reply: "I can only dream."

[forwarded by Steve Sanderson] Mikey's Funnies <funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com>

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A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice. Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied.

Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."

Received from Michael. The Good Clean Funnies List [20170308] <gcfl-info@gcfl.net>

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A certain man had invited the pastor and his wife for dinner, and it was little Joey’s job to set the table.

But when it came time to eat, Joey’s mother said with surprise, “Why didn’t you give Mrs. Brown a knife and fork dear?”

“I didn’t think I needed to,” as everyone listened as Joey explained, “I heard Daddy say she always eats like a horse.”

Crosswalk [You_Make_Me_Laugh@lists.crosswalk.com]. hanks to Pastor Tim for this joke! http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

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A devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.

Three weeks later a cow walked up carrying the Bible in its mouth!

The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward, and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

"Not really," said the cow. "Your name was written inside the cover."

[forwarded by Gretchen Patti] Mikey's Funnies <funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com>

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Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 4!

Pastor Tim <posts@cybersaltlists.org>

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A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled. "Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

Mikey's Funnies <funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com>

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The elderly man flattered himself that he was still a ladies' man, and decided to flirt with the beautiful waitress.

"So tell me, sweetheart, where have you been all my life?" he crooned.

"Actually, sir," she pointed out sweetly, "for the first 45 years of it, I wasn't even around."

from ArcaMax Jokes docsdailychuckle@freegroups.net

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Stay!

I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car gave me a startled look. "I don't know about you, lady," he said incredulously. "But I usually just put my car in park."

from Thomas E. (via GCIF) docsdailychuckle@freegroups.net

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How Much Are Your Dogs

It seems this Goober was wanting a dog for a pet, so he went to the local pet store to buy one.

He asked the clerk "how much are your dogs?"

She replied, "They are $10.00 apiece."

The goober replied, "How much for a whole one?!"

Pastor Tim <posts@cybersaltlists.org>

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Happy Father's Day!

On the day I received my learner's permit, my father agreed to take me out for a driving lesson. With a big grin, he hopped in behind the driver's seat. "Why aren't you sitting up front on the passenger's side?" I asked.

"Kirsten, I've been waiting for this ever since you were a little girl," Dad replied. "Now it's my turn to sit back here and kick the seat."

Received from Kirsten Wiley, Reader's Digest.The Good, Clean Funnies List <gcfl-info@gcfl.net>

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