A Bit of Humor, Page  17

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A teenager who had just received her learner's permit offered to drive her parents to church. After a hair-raising ride, they finally reached their destination. The mother got out of the car and said, "Thank you!" "Anytime," her daughter replied. As the woman slammed the door, she said, "I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to God."

 Received from Clean Laffs. The Good Clean Funnies List <gcfl-info@gcfl.net>

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No Bills Larger Than $20

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.

There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."

The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."

from ArcaMax Jokes pkaine@cox.net

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My cousin was behind the bakery's cash register one morning when a gunman burst in and demanded all the cash.

As she nervously handed over the money, she noticed the rolls of coins in the back of the register. "Do you want the rolls too?" she asked.

"No," said the robber, waving his gun. "Just the money."

from Reader's Digest, "All In a Day's Work," by Phil Leman Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle. The Good Clean Funnies List <gcfl-info@gcfl.net>

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Mike and his mother were in the doctor's office for his pre-school physical.

 The receptionist, completing his medical history, asked, "What is your birthdate?"

"February 25," Mike answered.

"What year?" the receptionist asked.

"Every year," was Mike's matter-of-fact reply.

Received from Da Mouse Tracks. The Good Clean Funnies List <gcfl-info@gcfl.net>

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In his farewell sermon to his church, the pastor excelled. He was eloquent and well prepared.

His text: "In my Father's house are many mansions. . . .I go to prepare a place for you, that where I am, there ye may be also."

It was later learned that the preacher had accepted a position as chaplain at the local prison.

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"Did you see how pleased Mrs. Smith looked when I told her she didn't look a day older than her daughter?"

"I didn't notice Mrs. Smith....I was too busy watching the expression on her daughter's face!"

Received from Da Mouse Tracks. The Good Clean Funnies List <gcfl-info@gcfl.net>

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Drug Shirt

My kindergarten-aged daughter suddenly announced just before school that she needed to take a clean tee shirt to class. She told us the teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it.

My wife frantically swept through my daughter’s room, finding nothing usable but one tee shirt that already had something printed on one side. She sent it off to school with my daughter. That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her shirt.

On one side it said, “Families are Forever.”

And on the other, “Be Smart, Don’t Start.”

You Make Me Laugh [You_Make_Me_Laugh@crosswalkmail.com]

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Dona Brennan writes: "My eight-year-old granddaughter, Sharman, is very animated. One Sunday in church, the pastor asked the children to come to the front of the church and sit down around him. He talked about Revelations and about Heaven.

"He then asked the children, 'What do you think of when you think about Heaven?'

"Shannan raised her hand, waved frantically, and answered excitedly: 'Party time!"

Dona Brennan Woodland Hills, CA

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How to Clean the House

1.    Open a new folder on your PC.

2.    Name it "Housework."

3.    Send it to the Recycle Bin.

4.    Empty the Recycle Bin.

5.    Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?"

6.    Calmly answer, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly.

7.    Feel better?

from Da Mouse Tracks Docs Daily Chuckle <pkaine@roadrunner.com>

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A Unique Home

I took a real estate client to a handyman special. The place was great, and we couldn't understand why it was so cheap until we turned on the water main and water gushed from the ceiling.

Dripping wet, my client put a positive spin on the showing: "Nice house," he said. "It's even self-cleaning."

GCFL.net Docs Daily Chuckle <pkaine@roadrunner.com>

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A mother was practicing the alphabet with her four-year-old son, Tommy.

She showed him a picture of a truck and asked, "What is this?"

"A truck," Tommy replied.

Then she pointed to the letter T and asked, "What does it start with?"

"A key!" replied Tommy without hesitation.

from Da Mouse Tracks pkaine@roadrunner.com

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A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"

Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

- from Laugh & Lift pkaine@roadrunner.com

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A customer was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.

Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked, "So which six items would you like to buy?"

[forwarded by Jerry Lambert] Mikey's Funnies <funnies-owner@lists.mikeysfunnies.com>

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A police car pulled me over near the high school where I teach. As the officer asked for my license and registration, my students began to drive past. Some honked their horns, others hooted, and still others stopped to admonish me for speeding.

Finally the officer asked me if I was a teacher at the school, and I told him I was.

"I think you've paid your debt to society," he said with a smile, and left without giving me a ticket.

Received from Thomas Ellsworth. The Good Clean Funnies List <gcfl-info@gcfl.net>

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An ironworker calmly walked the narrow beam 15 floors above the city street. Even with heavy winds blowing and a driving rain falling, he showed no fear and never hesitated.

When he came down to ground level a man who had been watching asked, "How did you ever get a job like that?"

"Well," replied the ironworker, "I used to drive a school bus, but my nerves gave out."

[forwarded by Al Keeney] Mikey's Funnies <funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com>

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Where Grandma Lives

When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left his house.

"Is that your grandmother?" I asked.

"Yes," Chris said. "She's come to visit for a few weeks."

"How nice," I said. "Where does she live?"

"At the airport," Chris replied. "Whenever we want her, we just go out there and get her."

from Da Mouse Tracks Docs Daily Chuckle <pkaine@roadrunner.com>

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You know you're not reading your Bible enough when ...

You think Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob may have had a few hits during the 60's.

You open the Gospel of Luke and a World War II Savings Bond falls out.

Your favorite Old Testament patriarch is Hercules.

You become frustrated because Charlton Heston isn't listed in either the Bible concordance or the table of contents.

via Pastor Dale Schoening Bussey,IA, The Joyful Noiseletter

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"Hello, hello?" shrilled a spinsterish voice over the phone. "Is this the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals?"

"Yes."

"I want you to send somebody over right away."

"What's wrong?"

"There's a horrid magazine salesman sitting in a tree teasing my dog."

You Make Me Laugh [You_Make_Me_Laugh@crosswalkmail.com]

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Doc writes: “That a friend of mine bought a new car that sported an on-board computer. One Sunday morning when he got into the car to drive to church, the digital display lit up.

“Glancing at the readout, he chuckled at the announcement: ‘Time for service.’"

from Laugh and Lift Docs Daily Chuckle <pkaine@roadrunner.com>

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A family is disusing a move. Dad is speaking.

When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive both of our cars. Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly asked, "How will we keep from getting separated?"

"We'll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other," I reassured him.

"Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?" he persisted.

"Well, then I guess we'll never see each other again," I quipped.

"Okay," he said. "I'm riding with Mom."

from ArcaMax Jokes Docs Daily Chuckle <pkaine@roadrunner.com>

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Frankie Roland writes: The youth in my church had been studying the Book of Esther. I knew my son had been paying attention when we had Brussels sprouts for supper. Spearing one and looking at it distastefully, he placed it in his mouth, saying, "If I perish, I perish."

Frankie Roland, Coffeyville, Kansas. Christian Reader, "Lite Fare."

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In my next life, I wanna be a female bear.

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months.

I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid.

I could deal with that, too.

If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs.

I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them, too.

And I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup...I wanna be a bear.

Mickey’s Funnies

 

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