A Bit of Humor, Page  16

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A Sunday school teacher asked her youngsters, "What kind of a little girl was your Mom?"

A boy replied, "I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be she was pretty bossy."

A girl answered, "They say she used to be nice."

Another girl replied, "My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff."

The Joyful Noiseletter - via Norma Sims Eustis, FL

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A couple phoned a neighbor to extend birthday greetings. They dialed the number and then sang “Happy Birthday” to him. But when they finished their off-key rendition, they discovered that they had dialed the wrong number.

“Don’t let it bother you,” said a strange but amused voice. “You folks need all the practice you can get.”

posts@cybersaltlists.org

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The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front porch.

"Madam," he announced, "I'm the piano tuner."

The lady exclaimed, "Why, I didn't send for a piano tuner."

The man replied, "I know you didn't, but your neighbors did."

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle. The Good, Clean Funnies List <gcfl-info@gcfl.net>

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Sermons

A man who hadn't attended church in years suddenly began attending faithfully on Sunday mornings instead of going fishing as was his normal habit.

The pastor was highly gratified and at the end of service one morning told him, "How wonderful it makes me feel to see you at services with your good wife!"

"Well, Preacher," said the fisherman, "Quite honestly, it's a matter of choice. I'd much rather hear your sermon than hers."

Pastor Tim, posts@cybersaltlists.org

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Babysitting

I was not thrilled with the idea of letting my clueless 13-year- old son baby sit his younger brothers, even though he begged me to.

"What about a fire?" I asked, referring to my No. 1 concern.

"Mom," he said, rolling his eyes, "I'm a Boy Scout. I know how to start a fire."

from Da Mouse Tracks, Docs Daily Chuckle <pkaine@roadrunner.com>

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Frazzled Doctor

As soon as I stepped into the urgent-care facility in my hometown, I could see the place was packed with patients.

The nurses and doctors all seemed frazzled.I discovered just how frazzled when a doctor walked into the room, pulled out his examination light, pointed it in my ear, and instructed me, "Say, 'Ah.'"

From AcraMax Jokes Docs Daily Chuckle <pkaine@roadrunner.com>

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The couple's young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To her mother's distress, the cat began to use the back of their new sofa as a scratching post.

"Don't worry," her husband reassured her. "I'll have him trained in no time."

They watched for several days as he patiently "trained" their new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, he deposited the cat outdoors to teach him a lesson.

The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.

Mikey's Funnies <funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com>

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Language

A friend of mine was having a bit of marital-tension in his household and was trying to figure-out just what to do about it.

In the course of our conversation, I happened to mention to him that: "You know, quite often God speaks to us through our wives."

My friend looked at me kind-a funny and said, "Wow! I didn't know God used that kind of language!"

The Good, Clean Funnies List [gcfl-info@gcfl.net]

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Guard Dog

Pastor Tim writes:

“My sister-in-law, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for protection.

As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, ‘He doesn’t like men.’

“‘Perfect’, my sister-in-law thought and took the dog.

“Then one day she was approached by two suspicious looking men in a parking lot, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react.

“Soon it became clear that the trainer wasn’t kidding.

“As the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.”

Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Bed

The doctor suggested that my husband, because of his back problems, not sleep on our waterbed. When we discussed what type of bed should replace it, Dave said he wanted a firm mattress on a queen-size bed. I preferred a softer mattress in a double size, and as our discussion grew more heated, it became obvious we would have difficulty reaching agreement.

Then our young son, who had overheard our conversation, suggested, "Why don't you just get bunk beds?"

~from Da Mousetracks Docs Daily Chuckle <pkaine@roadrunner.com>

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Hearing Aid

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.!"

"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?'"

"Twelve-thirty."

[forwarded by Kerry Jones] Mikey's Funnies <funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com>

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Baby Sister

Used to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister. The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they'd have to move.

"It's no use," Robbie said. "She's crawling good now and she'd probably just follow us."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth. The Good, Clean Funnies List <gcfl-info@gcfl.net>

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In the Dark

Think of a number.

Multiply it by 3.

Now add 5.

Take away the number you first thought of.

Now add 7.

Subtract 2.

Add back the number you first thought of.

Now, close your eyes.

Dark, isn't it?

Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Text of the times:

Daughter: I love you, Mom!

Mom: Sorry. I have no money. Try it with your dad.

Mikey's Funnies <funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com>

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After church, an eight-year-old boy told his little brother: "I don't know all the Ten Commandments. The only ones I remember are 'settle down,' 'act your age,' and 'take that out of your mouth.'"

April 2010 © JoyfulNoiseletter.com. Used with permission.

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“At a Christmas Eve worship service in a Lutheran church in Lompoc, CA, I was preaching my sermon on the theme 'Never Forget Bethlehem.'

"Our oldest daughter and her husband and family, who live in Bakersfield, CA, were sitting in the front row. To emphasize my theme, I raised my voice and while looking at my family, I closed with 'Never forget that Jesus was born in Bakersfield!'"

Rev. Ronald C. Bennett Bakersfield, CA. Nov.-Dec. 2011, © The Joyful Noiseletter. Used with permission

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