A BIT OF HUMOR Page 15
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Same Landlord

A young woman, pursuing a graduate degree in art history, was going to Italy to study the country's greatest works of art. Since there was no one to look after her grandmother while she was away, she took the old lady with her. At the Sistine Chapel in the Vatican, she pointed to the painting on the ceiling.

"Grandma, it took Michelangelo a full four years to get that ceiling painted."

"Oh my, "the grandmother says. "He and I must have the same landlord."

Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Magic Car

A mother gave her teenage daughter a car for her eighteenth birthday.

As she handed over the keys, she explained that it was a magic car.

The girl, of course, was very excited, and asked what it did.

"Well," said Mom, "Just get one ticket and you'll see how quickly it will disappear."

- from Ann F. Docs Daily Chuckle <pkaine@roadrunner.com>

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The Politician Dance

There was a dance teacher who talked of a very old dance called the Politician.

"All you have to do" she told her class "is take three steps forward, two steps backward, then side-step side-step and turn around."

Pastor Tim, posts@cybersaltlists.org

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Piano Tuner

The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front porch.

"Madam," he announced, "I'm the piano tuner."

The lady exclaimed, "Why, I didn't send for a piano tuner."

The man replied, "I know you didn't, but your neighbors did."

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle. The Good, Clean Funnies List <gcfl-info@gcfl.net>

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A mother asked her small son what he would like for his birthday.

"I'd like a little brother," a boy said.

"Oh my, that's such a big wish," said the mother. Why do you want a little brother"?

"Well," said the boy, "there's only so much I can blame on my dog."

Pastor Tim, posts@cybersaltlists.org

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Christmas Shopping with Children

After some last-minute Christmas shopping with her grandchildren, my friend was rushing them into the car when four-year-old Jason said, "Grandma, Susie has something in her pocket." He reached in and pulled out a new red barrette.

Though she was tired, my friend knew it was important for Susie to put the item back where she had found it. They did just that. Later at the grocery store checkout, the clerk asked, "Have you kids been good so Santa will come?"

"I've been very good," replied Jason, "but my sister just robbed a store."

Pastor Tim <posts@cybersaltlists.org>

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During the childrens message at the Christmas Eve service at Mantua (NJ) United Methodist Church,

Rev. Karl R. Kraft read a little story from a new book about Mary and Josephs journey to Bethlehem. The pastor would read a page, then show the children the picture illustrating the story,

The story had progressed to where Joseph was approaching the door of the inn. Kraft turned the page and read the first words:

"Knock, knock, knock!" Without missing a beat, a little girl responded: "Whos there?"

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TV

I was sprawled on the living-room couch watching my favorite show on the Food Network when my husband walked in.

"Why do you watch those food shows?" he asked. "You don't even cook."

Glaring back at him, I asked, "Then why do you watch football?"

~from Da Mouse Tracks Docs Daily Chuckle pkaine@roadrunner.com

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Happy Birthday Bill

A lawyer sent an overdue bill to a client. A note was attached that stated: "This bill is one year old."

By return mail the lawyer had his bill back. To it was attached a card which read: "Happy Birthday."

Pastor Tim posts@cybersaltlists.org

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Omitted Stories

Reverend Smith, a respected church leader, arrived in a large city to deliver a series of speeches.

At a banquet the first evening, he noticed some reporters in the audience. Because he wanted to use some of the stories he told that night in his speeches the next day, he asked the reporters to omit them from their articles.

One article that came out the next day, written by a cub reporter, concluded with this line: "Reverend Smith also told a number of stories that cannot be printed."

Pastor Tim posts@cybersaltlists.org

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Marital Faithfulness (1)

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "You know, I've lost my wife somewhere in this huge supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?" she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife suddenly appears out of nowhere and I'm tired of looking for her!"

1. posts@cybersaltlists.org

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Modest Income

"Darling," said the young man to his new bride. "Now that we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my modest income?"

"Of course, dearest, no trouble," she answered. "But what will you live on?"

Pastor Tim posts@cybersaltlists.org

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Border Declaration

Finishing up our work at a trade show in San Diego, my co-worker Maureen and I decided to go sightseeing across the border in Tijuana, Mexico. While there, we went shopping and bought a few pieces of clay kitchenware.

As we crossed back into the United States, a customs official asked if we had anything of value to report.

"Not really," Maureen replied, digging in her bag for the bean crock she had purchased.

Everyone around us froze as she continued, "I only bought a little pot."

Pastor Tim posts@cybersaltlists.org

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Helping Hand...

On Coast Guard cutters, low-ranking crew members take turns in the galley helping the cooks. One young seaman aboard was always dropping dishes and spilling food.

One day, alone in the galley, he noticed an unfrosted yellow sheet cake cooling on the counter. Determined to finally rectify past errors, the seaman made chocolate icing and carefully decorated the cake with it.

Returning later, the cook began frantically looking around the galley, then shouted out,
"Where did my cornbread go?"

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.
The Good, Clean Funnies List <gcfl-info@gcfl.net>

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May I Have All the Children?

Yesterday at church, a lady from the congregation was presenting the children's sermon. She walked up to the front of the church and said, "May I have all of the children?"

As the children walked forward, several parents responded, "Yes."

One quick-witted father asked, "For how long?"

Received from Keith Sullivan.
The Good, Clean Funnies List <gcfl-info@gcfl.net>

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Picking a Winner

The bookie slowly counted out the money into the old lady's wrinkled hands.

"Lady," he said, "I just don't understand. However did you manage to pick the winner?"

The old lady patted her white locks in place. She looked a little bewildered. "Really," she said, "I don't know myself. I just stick a pin in the paper and, well, there it is."

The bookie took a deep breath. "That's all very well, lady," he cried. "But how on earth did you manage to pick four winners yesterday afternoon?"

"Oh," replied the old lady, "that was easy. I used a fork."

~Pastor Tim, Cybersaltlists.org

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Cold Cream Questions

A little boy watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face.

"Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.

A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" he asked. "Are you giving up?"

From Cybersalt Digest Docs Daily Chuckle <pkaine@roadrunner.com>

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I Can't Make You Younger!

An elderly gentleman wasn't feeling well, and became irritated with his doctor because he wasn't getting better after five visits.

"Look!" said the doctor. "I'm doing all I can to help you. I can't make you younger!"

"I wasn't interested in getting any younger," said the man. "I just want to continue getting older."

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Youngest in School

A friend of mine has three boys, the youngest of whom, Gregory, had just started school.

A teacher commented to Gregory that she couldn't believe he was already in first grade and asked what his mother did all day now that the three boys were in school.

"Cartwheels," Gregory answered.

Pastor Tim, possts@cybersalt.org

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Important Political Decisions

As a recent high-school graduate, I traveled to our state capitol and got to visit the house floor.

I stood there, thinking how difficult it must be for the people in that room to wrestle with important decisions that affect so many citizens.

It was then that I spied, sitting on one representative's desk, a Magic 8-Ball

posts@cybersaltlists.org

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Stranded on a Desert Island

A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it.

Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message.

"Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account."

posts@cybersaltlists.org

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