A BIT OF HUMOR Page 14
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Learn Your Lesson

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."

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Service call

My husband is a service technician for an exterminating company.

One of the rules is that he must confirm his appointments by phone the night before a service call.

One evening, he called a customer and said to the man who answered, "Hi, This is Garry from the pest-control company -- your wife phoned us."

There was silence for a moment, and then my husband heard the man say, "Honey, someone wants to speak to you about your relatives."

From Clean Humor Digest Docs Daily Chuckle <pkaine@roadrunner.com>

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Dangerous Criminal

One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.

An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned 1-1/2 hours later with a black eye.

"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.

"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."

posts@cybersaltlists.org

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Who Gets the Toy?

A father of five young children won a toy at a raffle. Back home, he called his kids together to let them determine

which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in unison: "You, Daddy!"

Mikey's Funnies <funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com>

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Computer Crashed1

The computer in my high school classroom recently started acting up. After watching me struggle with it, one of my students came up and took over. "Your hard drive crashed," he said.

I called the computer services office and explained, "My computer is down. The hard drive crashed."

"We can't just send people down on your say-so. How do you know that's the problem?"

"A student told me," I answered.

"We'll send someone over right away."

1Received from Thomas Ellsworth. The Good, Clean Funnies List <gcfl-info@gcfl.net>

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No Fire Engines

Mrs. Shirr Keithan, Catawissa, PA teachs Sunday school for the children at St. Paul's United Church of Christ in Numidia, PA. While telling the story of Jacob going home to ask forgiveness from his brother Esau, I placed on the flannel board figures of Jacob, his wives, children, servants, and livestock. I told the class, Look at all these people and animals. It looks like a parade!

"Four-year-old Luke shook his head and said, "No, it can't be a parade. There are no fire engines.!"

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A Dollar for Sunday School (1)

A little boy came home eating a big candy bar. Seeing the candy bar, his mother remembered he had already spent all his allowance money. Surprised, she asked him where he got it.

"I bought it at the store with the dollar you gave me," he said.

"But that dollar was for Sunday School," his mother replied.

Smiling, the boy said, "I know, Mom, but the Pastor met me at the door and got me in for free!"

1. Beliefnet Religious Jokes [BeliefnetReligiousJokes@partner.beliefnet.com]

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New Federal Employee1

As a new federal employee, I felt a combination of excitement and anxiety about meeting the strict standards of discretion and respect that our government imposes on its workers. Fearful of making a costly mistake, I decided to read up on procedures and standards on the federal Office of Personnel Management web page. I'm not sure if I was relieved or worried when I clicked on one page and found:

"Ethics: Coming Soon!"

1The Good, Clean Funnies List [gcfl-info@gcfl.net]

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Coin Toss[1]

By the time Ted arrived at the football game, the first quarter was almost over. "Why are you so late?" his friend asked.

"I had to toss a coin to decide between going to church and coming to the game."

"How long could that have taken you?"

"Well, I had to toss it 14 times."


[1] Mikey's Funnies [funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com]

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Newcomers1

While serving as church usher, I was carrying out our tradition of escorting parishioners to their seats before the service began. After I returned to the entrance of the sanctuary to escort the next party, I greeted two strangers and asked where they would like to sit.

Looking confused, the young man smiled and said, "Non-smoking, please."

1 posts@cybersaltlists.org

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Tina, a middle-school teacher, tried to explain Thanksgiving to her four-year-old nephew, who thought it was a boring holiday with no presents or treats. She patiently explained that it was a time for appreciating all we have: a loving family, health, good food, etc.

At bedtime on Thanksgiving evening, Tina overheard the boy saying this prayer:

"Dear God: I am thankful for my Mommy and Daddy and my sister- even though she breaks my toys - and my food and my warm house and my toys. I am thankful for my Aunt Tina, but could you tell her that she talks too much! I am only four!"

--Columnist Smiley Anders Baton Rouge (LA) Advocate

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Traffic Court (1)

The judge had not yet put in an appearance in the San Diego traffic court. When the bailiff entered the courtroom, he sensed the nervousness of the traffic offenders awaiting their ordeal.

"Good morning, ladies and gentlemen," he said. "Welcome to 'What's My Fine?'"

1 posts@cybersaltlists.org

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Always Be Prepared (1)

Seen on a marquee outside the Clinton Correctional Facility, a maximum security prison in Dannemora, New York: "The Dannemora fire department reminds you it's fire prevention week. Practice your escape plan."

1. Received from Dick Becker (via Reader's Digest). The Good, Clean Funnies List [gcfl-info@gcfl.net]

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