A BIT OF HUMOR Page 13
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Who Tells Wife? (1)

Two rural church deacons who were having a sociable beer in the local tavern when they saw their minister drive by and take a good long look at their pickup trucks parked outside.

One deacon ducked down and said, "I hope the reverend didn't see us or recognize my pickup."

The other replied indifferently, "What difference does it make. God knows we're in here...and he's the only one who counts."

The first deacon countered, "But God won't tell my wife."

1. funnies-owner@lists.mikeysfunnies.

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Fairy Tales (1)

A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'?"

He replied, "No, a whole series of fairy tales begins with 'If elected I promise...'"

1. The Good, Clean Funnies List [gcfl-info@gcfl.net]

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The Way I Found It (1)

A pastor places his order at the pet store: "I need at least 50 mice, 2,000 ants and as many of those little silverfish you can get."

The clerk replies, "We can probably do that, but it might take some time. Mind if I ask why you are placing such an unusual order?"

The pastor replies, "I've accepted a call to another church and the pastor's council told me to leave the parsonage the way I found it."

1. Mikey's Funnies [funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com]

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Curiosity (1)

A teacher was finishing up a lesson on the joys of discovery and the importance of curiosity.

"Where would we be today," she asked, "if no one had ever been curious?"

One child quietly spoke up from the back of the room. "In the garden of Eden?"

1. Mikey's Funnies [funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com]

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Cash, Check or Charge (1)

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

1. AAA Jokes, October 6, 2000, help@aaajokes.com.

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Living Up To Promises (1)

A pastor met a woman at whose wedding he had officiated years ago. 'And does your husband always live up to the promises he made during his courtship days?" the pastor asked.

"He sure does," she snapped.

"In those days he kept saying he wasn't good enough for me, and he has been proving it ever since."

1. The Joyful Noiseletter, June-July 2010

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The stockbroker's secretary answered his phone one morning.

"I'm sorry," she said, "Mr. Bradford's on another line."

"This is Mr. Ingram's office," the caller said. "We'd like to know if he's bullish or bearish right now."

"He's talking to his wife," the secretary replied. "Right now I'd say he's sheepish."

You Make Me Laugh [You_Make_Me_Laugh@crosswalkmail.com]

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Eye Exam (1)

Eye-examination charts vary according to the manufacturer, but one thing they have in common is that they don't spell anything.

One day a patient came into the office for an ophthalmological exam. He was asked to read the 20/40 line of the eye chart, but obviously the letters FZBDE were mostly a blur to him. Finally he ventured a guess.

"I can't pronounce his name," the man said, "but I think he played football for Wisconsin."

1. Pastor Tim, http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

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Beautiful (1)

A little boy watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face.

"Why are you rubbing cold cream on you face, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.

A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" he asked. "Are you giving up?"

1. The Good, Clean Funnies List [gcfl-info@gcfl.net]

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Suck It In1

I noticed my husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his ample stomach.

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, I quipped, "I don't think that is going to help much, hon."

"Sure it does," he said.

"How else can I see the numbers?"

1Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke! Crosswalk [You_Make_Me_Laugh@lists.crosswalk.com]

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Naming (1)

Lady of the House: "I want you to stand at the front door and call the guest's names as they arrive."

Butler: "Very well, madam. I've been wanting to do that for years."

1. Mikey's Funnies [funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com]

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Tell the Truth (1)

The judge warned the witness, "Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth"?

"I do."

"Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?"

"Sure," said the witness. "My side will win."

1. Mikey's Funnies [funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com]

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Senior Moment (1)

"Where is my Sunday paper?" the irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Ma'am," said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday."

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition, as she was heard to mutter, "Well, that's why no one was at church today!"

1. The Good, Clean Funnies List [gcfl-info@gcfl.net]

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A mother was getting irritated with her five-year-old daughter, who wouldn't clean up her toys in the den.

''Mommy, I can't clean up the den," the little girl said after her mother fussed at her for the third time.

"Why not?" the mother asked. "Because I gave up cleaning for Lent," she replied.

Columnist Smiley Anders Baton Rouge (LA) Advocate

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Dryer Message[1]

As a lobbyist in Washington, DC, I'd just finished up a meeting with a Congressman when I stopped to use the restroom.

After washing my hands, I stepped over to the hand dryer and noticed that someone had taped a note to the machine.

The note said, "Push button for message from Congress."

[1] Pastor Tim, Cybersalt.org

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Dusty Comeback1

My mom is a less than fastidious housekeeper.

One evening my dad returned home from work, walked into the kitchen and teased her, You know, dear, I can write my name in the dust on the mantel.

Mom turned to him and sweetly replied, Yes, darling, I know. Thats why I married a college graduate.

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Keeping Secrets[1]

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy.

"No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret."

"I don't know about that," huffily answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one."

"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.

"I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."


[1] cybersaltlists.org

 

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During a recent company password audit, it was found that a certain air-head was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy. When asked why such a big password, the employee said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.

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A car screeched to a halt at an intersection--barely missing an elderly lady. Instead of bawling out the driver, she just smiled sweetly and pointed to a pair of baby shoes dangling from the rearview mirror.

“Young man,” she asked, “why don’t you put your shoes back on?”

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What do you know1

I figured that at age seven it was inevitable for my son to begin having doubts about Santa Claus. Sure enough, one day he said, “Mom, I know something about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy.”

Taking a deep breath, I asked him, “What is that?”

He replied, “They’re all nocturnal.”

1posts@cybersaltlists.org

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Flight Crew1

On the way back to New York as I was sitting in the Phoenix airport, they announced that the flight to Vegas was full. The airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats. In exchange, they’d give you a $100 voucher for your next flight and a first class seat in the plane leaving an hour later. About eight people ran up to the counter to take advantage of the offer.

About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat down grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter said,

If there is anyone else OTHER than the flight crew who’d like to volunteer, please step forward...”

1posts@cybersaltlists.org

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Wise Guys1

A little boy, excited about his part in the Christmas play at school, came home and shouted, "I got a part in the Christmas play! I got a part in the Christmas play!"

"What part did you get?" asked his mother excitedly.

"I'm one of the three wise guys!"

1Forwarded by Bob Martin. Mikey's Funnies [funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com]

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10 Questions1

A local paper runs a popular column called "10 Questions" that spotlights people who live in our community.

In addition to the usual inquiries about occupation and age, people are asked the questions that give a snapshot look of their personalities.

Recently one woman was asked, "What's the 'strangest' thing you ever bought?"

She answered, "Dog toothpaste."

Next question, "What is the 'most common' thing people say to you?"

Her answer: "Where did you get such white teeth?"

1Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Donations1

A tired homemaker opened the front door of her home to find the Pastor from the Mudville Church who said, Im collecting donations for the new childrens home were building. I hope youll give what you can.

Absolutely, said the beleaguered woman. Ill give you two boys, two girls, or one of each.

1preachingnow@preaching.com

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Employee Reference

At times I was asked to provide references for former employees by companies considering hiring them.

On one firm's form was the question: "Was this person a steady worker?"

Since the guy was a well-known do-nothing, I entered, "Not just steady, but motionless" in the space provided.

The Good, Clean Funnies List [gcfl-info@gcfl.net]

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Valuable Paintings

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death."

"When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed.

"What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor."

Mikey's Funnies [funnies‑owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com]5

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Census Taker

An old man was sitting on his porch, when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand.

"What are you selling, young man?" he asked.

"I'm not selling anything, sir," the young man replied. "I'm the census taker."

"A what?" the man asked.

"A census taker. We are trying to find out how many people are in the United States."

"Well," the man answered, "you're wasting your time with me; I have no idea."

Received from George B. The Good, Clean Funnies List [gcfl-info@gcfl.net]

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Pumpkin Math

Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of your pumpkin by it's diameter?

A: Pumpkin Pi

Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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