A BIT OF HUMOR Page 12
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Getting Along

"So, how are you getting along with your gorgeous new girlfriend?"

"Not so good. I asked her whether she could learn to love me."

"Yeah -- and?"

"She asked how much I was willing to spend on her education."

Mikey's Funnies [funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com]

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Eye Exam

Eye-examination charts vary according to the manufacturer, but one thing they have in common is that they don't spell anything.

One day a patient came into my office for an ophthalmological exam. I asked him to read the 20/40 line of the eye chart, but obviously the letters FZBDE were mostly a blur to him.

Finally he ventured a guess. "I can't pronounce his name," the man said, "but I think he played football for Notre Dame."

The Good, Clean Funnies List [gcfl-info@gcfl.net]

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At Peace in the Playpen

Mary was almost crazy with her three young kids. She complained to her best friend Judy, "They're driving me nuts! They give me no rest! I'm half way to the funny farm!"

"What you need," said Judy, "is a playpen."

So Mary bought a playpen. A few days later, Judy called to ask how things were going.

"Superb! I can't believe it," Mary said. "I get in that pen with a good book and a chocolate bar, and the kids don't bother me for hours!"

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An elderly woman loved the movie “The Wizard of Oz” so much that she put it in her will that one of the songs from the movie be played at her funeral.

A CD of the movie’s soundtrack was obtained, and at her funeral, the first song that came over the church speakers was “The Wicked Witch Is Dead.”

A button was hastily pressed again to get to the song, “Somewhere over the Rainbow.”

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Housework Challenged Footnote

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Wisconsin."

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Pilot Error (1)

A young guy in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hot dog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.

The hot dog said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot." The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.

Perplexed, the hot dog asked, "So? What did you do?"

"I just shut down two engines, kid."

1. Mikey's Funnies [funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com]

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Cooking Instructions (1)

The inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed.

The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated as "Wash. Biol. Surv." -- until the agency received the following letter from an unhappy camper: "Dear Sirs: While camping last week, I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and want to tell you it tasted horrible."

The bands are now marked "Fish & Wildlife Service."

1. Received from Christopher Deffenbaugh.
The Good, Clean Funnies List [gcfl-info@gcfl.net]

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Curiosity (1)

A teacher was finishing up a lesson on the joys of discovery and the importance of curiosity.

"Where would we be today," she asked, "if no one had ever been curious?"

One child quietly spoke up from the back of the room. "In the garden of Eden?"

1. Mikey's Funnies [funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com]

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Golden Bear Answer1

A reporter was interviewing Jack Nicklaus. He said, "Jack, you are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What is your secret?"

To which Jack replied, "The holes are numbered!"

1Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Poor Tip (1)

Leaving a plush nightclub one evening, a miserly gentleman walked past the doorman without tipping him.

Nevertheless, the doorman helped the man into a taxi with a flourish and said pleasantly, "By the way, in case you happen to lose your wallet on the way home, sir, just remember that you didn't pull it out here."

1. Mikey's Funnies [funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com]

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Support (1)

The father of a young woman who was being courted asked the suitor, "Young man, can you support a family?"

"Well, no," the prospective groom replied. "I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."

1. Lowell Yoder, Holland, OH

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Stockbroker's Secretary (1)

The stockbroker's secretary answered his phone one morning.

"I'm sorry," she said, "Mr. Bradford's on another line."

"This is Mr. Ingram's office," the caller said. "We'd like to know if he's bullish or bearish right now."

"He's talking to his wife," the secretary replied. "Right now I'd say he's sheepish."

1. You Make Me Laugh [You_Make_Me_Laugh@crosswalkmail.com]

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At a wedding rehearsal, a pastor whispered to the father of the bride, 'As you give your daughter's hand to the bridegroom, you should say something nice to him."

The next day, during the wedding ceremony, the father, a grocery story manager, took the pastor's advice.

He placed the bride's hand on his son-in-law's arm and said, "No deposit. No return."

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Picnic Passions (1)

A Jewish rabbi and a Catholic priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.

"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Frobisher's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Working for the Family (1)

My daughter Marina worked in my law office while she attended graduate school. One morning a call came in for her. I said she wasn't in yet and offered to take a message.

The caller said she'd phone back later.

At 11:00 a.m., the caller tried again, and I reported that Marina had gone to lunch.

The last call came in at 3:30 p.m. "I'm sorry," I said, "she's left for the day. May I take a message?"

"Yes," the caller replied. "How can I get a job with you?"

1. The Good, Clean Funnies List [gcfl-info@gcfl.net]

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Wine

I was nervous the night my husband and I brought our three young sons to an upscale restaurant for the first time. My husband ordered a bottle of wine with the meal. When the server brought it, our children became quiet as she began the ritual uncorking. She poured a small amount for me to taste, and then our six-year-old piped up, "Mom usually drinks a lot more than that!"

The Good, Clean Funnies List [gcfl-info@gcfl.net]

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The Otterbein United Methodist Church of Navarre, OH, sent information about the church's Holy Week services and annual Easter Egg Hunt to the area newspaper called The Far Corner. The first sentence of the article was printed as follows:

"On Saturday, April 15 at 10 a.m. the chicken from the community are invited to an Easter Egg Hunt..."

It was supposed to read "children," said Pastor Phil Raynes. (1)

1. The Joyful Noiseletter, April 2007, Page 2

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Jesus Alive (1)

An associate pastor was talking about Jesus to a group of youngsters in preschool.

A little girl asked, "Is Jesus still alive?"

"Yes," the pastor replied.

"Then where is he?" the girl asked.

"He died, but he came back and now he is with God," the pastor replied.

"You mean he's still alive" the girl asked.

"Yes, he is," the pastor said.

The little girl wiped her forehead with her hand in a gesture of relief and exclaimed, "Whew!"

1. via Rev. Denny J. Brake, Raleigh, NC.
The Joyful Noiseletter, April, 2004. Used with permission.

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New Car (1)

The first Sunday after my husband and I bought a new car, we parked it in the last row of the church lot, not wanting to be ostentatious.

While talking with friends after the service, my husband accidentally hit the panic button on his electronic key. Immediately our car's horn blared and its lights flashed.

Watching my husband fumble with the button, his friend teased, "Wouldn't it have been in better taste to just put a few lines in the church bulletin?"

1. Received from Thomas Ellsworth. The Good, Clean Funnies List [gcfl-info@gcfl.net

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Lost Voice (1)

Patient: "Doctor, doctor! My wife has lost her voice! How can I help her get it back?"

Doctor: "Try coming home at 3 in the morning."

1. forwarded by Gretchen Patti, Mikey's Funnies [funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com]

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One Table at a Time (1)

A out-of-towner in New York at the height of the tourist season decided to revisit an uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed on a previous trip to the city.

Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he said, "You know, it's been over five years since I first came in here."

"You'll have to wait your turn, sir," replied the harried waiter. "I can only serve one table at a time."

1. Received from FranCMT2. The Good, Clean Funnies List [gcfl-info@gcfl.net]

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A Good Defense (1)

A family of skunks was trapped in a thicket, surrounded by a pack of hungry wolves that were edging even closer.

The mother skunk calmly instructed her young, "Quickly, children, let's put our heads together!"

After they obeyed, forming a circle, she continued, "Now - let us spray!"

1. Received from ArcaMax. The Good, Clean Funnies List [gcfl-info@gcfl.net]

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A woman took two nuns to lunch at a restaurant where the Lions Club happened to have its monthly luncheon.

The hostess greeted them and asked, "Are y'll with the Lions?"

"No," one of the nuns replied. We're with the Christians."

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The Car Wash

A church choir was putting on a car wash to raise money for a special trip to Bethlehem.

They made a large sign that read: CAR WASH FOR CHOIR TRIP. On the scheduled Saturday, business was very good. But, by two o'clock the sky clouded, the rain poured, and there were hardly any customers.

Finally, one of the soprano singers had an idea. She printed a very large poster with the words: WE WASH. GOD RINSES. (Next to the words was an arrow pointing skyward.)

Business boomed!

Beliefnet Religious Jokes [BeliefnetReligiousJokes@partner.beliefnet.com]

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Worry (1)

Two kids are talking to each other. One says, "I'm really worried. My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm worried sick!"

The other kid says, "What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you've got it made!"

The first kid says, "What if they try to escape?"

1. cybersaltlists.org

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Is There a Santa Claus (1)

A few days after Christmas last year, my six year old son and I were talking.

He asked, "Mom, is there a Santa Claus?"

"Well, what do you think?" I asked him.

He replied, "Well, my Playstation that I got and my gift from Santa were wrapped in the same kind of wrapping paper." He thought for a minute and said, "I'll tell you what...you and Dad can go on buying me presents and let's just forget we ever had this talk!"

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Diamonds (1)

Morris ran into Jacob while shopping at the mall the other day in front of one of the jewelry stores. Noticing a conspicuously small gift wrapped box in his hand, Morris asked if was a gift for Jacob's wife Becky.

Jacob told Morris, "With Christmas coming up, I asked Becky what she wanted and she said, "Oh, I don't know just give me something with lots of diamonds in it."

"So what did you get her?" Morris asked.

Jacob smiled and replied, "I bought her a deck of cards."

1. Mikey's Funnies [funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com]

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The 3 stages of man: (1)

He believes in Santa Claus.

He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.

He is Santa Claus.

but don't forget the 4th stage....

He LOOKS like Santa Claus.

1. Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke! Crosswalk [You_Make_Me_Laugh@lists.crosswalk.com]

 

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Stress Relief (1)

As an assistant professor, I taught during the day and did research at night. I would usually take a break around eight, however, to play the strategy game Warcraft online with a teammate.

One night I was paired with a veteran of the game who was a master strategist. With him at the helm, our troops crushed one opponent after another, and after six games we were undefeated. Suddenly, my fearless leader informed me that his mom wanted him to go to bed.

"How old are you?" I typed.

"Twelve," he replied. "How old are you?"

Feeling my face redden, I answered, "Ten."

1. The Good, Clean Funnies List [gcfl-info@gcfl.net]

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Leak Repair (1)

My husband's skills with do-it-yourself home repairs are at best mediocre. After spending several evenings trying to fix a leak in the bathroom, he finally admitted defeat and called a plumber, who finished the job in ten minutes.

Watching him put away his equipment, my son asked what had been the problem.

"Well," the plumber replied, "seems that your father got hold of some tools..."

1. You Make Me Laugh [You_Make_Me_Laugh@crosswalkmail.com]

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Who's Favor (1)

After spending all day Sunday watching football on television, a man fell asleep and spent the night in the chair. His wife woke him in the morning.

"It's twenty to seven," she called.

"In who's favor?"

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Bathroom Scales (1)

Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store.

"Have you ever seen one of these before?" one asked.

"Yeah, my mom and dad have one," the other replied.

"What's it for?" asked the first boy.

"I don't know," the second boy answered. "I think you stand on it and it makes you mad."

1. The Good, Clean Funnies List [gcfl-info@gcfl.net]

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Turnip Pun (1)

I put some turnips, his least-favorite vegetable, on my eleven-year-old son's dinner plate and instructed him to eat everything. He cleaned his plate, except for the turnip.

I pointed out to him that if he'd eaten it earlier, he wouldn't have been left with its taste in his mouth at the end of the meal.

Thoughtfully, he replied, "I guess I was just trying to delay the inedible."

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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