A BIT OF HUMOR Page 11
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Late Arrival (1)

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells You should have been here at 8:30!

He replies: Why? What happened at 8:30?

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Late Night Studying (1)

My husband, Cal, grew increasingly displeased as our teenage daughter and her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening. Finally losing patience shortly after midnight, he knocked sharply on her door. Her boyfriend immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong.

"I have to ask you to move your car," Cal told him.

"Oh, sure. Is it in someone's way?"

"No," Cal replied, "it's at the wrong address."

1. You Make Me Laugh [You_Make_Me_Laugh@crosswalkmail.com]

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Store Safety (1)

While attending college, I worked evenings at a retail store. On slow nights my co-worker Susan would often sing along with the radio while we did paperwork or restocked merchandise.

One evening as the manager was leaving I expressed my concern to him about our safety, being two women working alone at night.

"Oh, you'll be fine," he said, waving of his hand. "If you see anybody who looks suspicious, just warn him that Susan knows karaoke."

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Friendly Argument (1)

During a friendly argument, my husband asked me why I married him in the first place. "I was just stupid," I teased. When he said he was happy to hear that, I requested an explanation.

"People get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," he said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid."

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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The Wedding Dress (1)

When my sister Andrea got married, she asked to wear mother's wedding dress. The day she tried it on for the first time I was sitting with Mother in the living room as Andrea descended the stairs. The gown was a perfect fit on her petite frame. Mother's eyes welled with tears. I put my arm around her.

"You're not losing a daughter," I reminded her in time-honored fashion. "You're gaining a son."

"Oh, forget about that!" she said with a sob. "I used to fit into that dress!"

1. The Good, Clean Funnies List [gcfl-info@gcfl.net]

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Techniques (1)

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained.

"She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

1. Mikey's Funnies [funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com]

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Courtesy (1)

It was a Saturday afternoon, and Ray had rushed down to the local supermarket to hurriedly pick up some hamburger rolls, chips and a few condiments. The big college game was going to be on, so he was having a few friends over to watch it.

The store was loaded with shoppers and as he headed for the six item express lane, the only one that didn't have a long line, a woman completely ignoring the overhead sign slipped into the check-out line just in front of him pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Ray was quietly fuming at the anticipated delay. But the elderly cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked ever so sweetly, "So Dearie, which six items would you like to buy?"

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Ride To Church (1)

A teenager who had just received her learner's permit offered to drive her parents to church. After a hair-raising ride, they finally reached their destination.

The mother got out of the car and said, "Thank you!"

"Anytime," her daughter replied.

As the woman slammed the door, she said, "I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to God."

1. You Make Me Laugh [You_Make_Me_Laugh@crosswalkmail.com]

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Tail Light (1)

"How long have you been driving without a tail light, buddy?" demanded the policeman.

The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a low moan.

His distress was so great that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.

"Aw, come now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."

"It isn't?" cried the motorist.

"What happened to my boat and trailer?"

1. Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke! Crosswalk [You_Make_Me_Laugh@lists.crosswalk.com]

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Successful Marriage (1)

A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren.

When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Starting To Date (1)

Alan asks, "I know you're crazy about that little daughter of yours, Steve. What are you going to do when she starts to date?"

Steve says, "I figure I'll take the first young man aside, put my arm around his shoulder, and pull him close to me so that only he can hear. Then I'll say, "Do you see that sweet, little young lady? She's my only daughter, and I love her very much. If you were thinking about touching, kissing, or being physically affectionate to her in any way...just remember...I don't mind going back to prison."

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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The Amateur Photographer (1)

An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends, and he took along a few pictures to show to them. The hostess looked at the photos and commented, "These are very good! You must have a good camera."

The photographer didn't make any comment, but as he was leaving to go home, he said, "That was a really delicious meal! You must have some very good pots."

1. Received from Thomas Ellsworth. The Good, Clean Funnies List gcfl-info@gcfl.net]

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Pet Training (1)

A rolled up newspaper can be an effective pet training tool when used properly.

For instance, use the rolled-up newspaper if your dog chews up something inappropriate or has a housebreaking accident. Bring the dog over to the destroyed object (or mess), then take the rolled-up newspaper and hit yourself over the head as you repeat the phrase, "I forgot to watch my dog! I forgot to watch my dog!"

1. You Make Me Laugh [You_Make_Me_Laugh@crosswalkmail.com]

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Dining In (1)

My husband and I both work, so our family eats out a lot.

Recently, when we were having a rare home-cooked meal, I handed a glass to my three year old and asked her to please drink her milk.

She looked at me bewildered, "But I didn't order milk."

1. You Make Me Laugh [You_Make_Me_Laugh@crosswalkmail.com]

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Favorite Mom (1)

I thought I had heard it all before I asked my eight-year-old son, Cameron, if I was always going to be his most favorite woman in the world. He replied that I was not - it was Joseph's wife, Mary.

"I told him that was OK, since I would always be his second most favorite woman in the world.

"He told me, 'No, actually the third, because I think God has a girlfriend.'"

1. The Joyful Noiseletter, Vol. 22 No. 5 May 2007. Used with permission.

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Brick Order (1)

A man goes into his local building supply store and orders 10,000 bricks.

"May I ask what you're building?" asks the man behind the counter.

"It's going to be a barbecue."

"Wow, that's a lot of bricks for one barbecue,"

"Not really; I live on the 12th floor."

1. Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke! You Make Me Laugh [You_Make_Me_Laugh@crosswalkmail.com]

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Government Taxes (1)

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God, they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C., and the government deducted $95 in taxes.

1. [forwarded by Pastor Marty] Mikey's Funnies [funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com]

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Dewey Check (1)

I walked into my sister's kitchen and found my nephew, Dewey, having a snack.

Where's your mother? I asked.

She said she was going to have a shower. Just a second, I'll see.

Dewey went to the kitchen tap and turned the hot water on full blast.

An indignant yell came from above.

Dewey calmly turned off the tap and said, Yep, she's in the shower.

1. Received from Pulpit Supply. The Good, Clean Funnies List [gcfl-info@gcfl.net]

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Sunrise (1)

One morning a man got up early to watch the sun rise.

As he sat in the dark it suddenly dawned on him!

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Wake Up (1)

Two mothers are having a conversation about their children one day.

"How do you get your Marvin up so early on school mornings?" asks Joan.

"Oh, that's easy," replies Marianne. "I just throw the cat on his bed."

"Why does that wake him up?"

"He sleeps with the dog!"

1. Received from Net 153's Smile A Day. The Good, Clean Funnies List [gcfl-info@gcfl.net]

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A Thoughtful Teacher (1)

After school one day, a young first-grade boy was sitting at the kitchen table, eating his afternoon snack, when he blurted out, "Mom, the teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school."

The boy's mother replied, "That's nice of her to take such an interest, dear. What did she say when you told her you are an only child?"

She just said, "Thank goodness!"

1. Thomas Ellsworth. The Good, Clean Funnies List [gcfl-info@gcfl.net]

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Retailer (1)

A woman was working in her yard with the weed whacker, when she accidentally cut off the tail of her cat.

She ran screaming into the house, and told her husband, wondering what to do.

He replied calmly, "Get the cat, and the tail, and we'll take them to Wal-Mart."

She was incredulous. "How could that possibly help?" she asked.

"Well," he replied, "they're the world's largest retailer."

1. Mikey's Funnies [funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com]

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Found Cell Phone1

When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed send. His mother answered, and I told her what happened.

"Don't worry," she said, "I'll take care of it."

A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom."

"Martin," she said, "you left your cell phone at the convenience store."

1: Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Disease (1)

Elmer says, "First, I got tonsillitis, followed by appendicitis and pneumonia. After that I got erysipelas with hemachromatosis. Following that I got poliomyelitis and finally ended up with neuritis. Then they gave me hypodermics and inoculations."

Calvin says, "Boy, you had quite a time!"

Elmer replies, "I'll say! I thought I'd never pull through that spelling test."

1. [forwarded by Steve Sanderson] Mikey's Funnies [funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com

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Spin the Bottle (1)

"We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime.

By the time I was 14, I owned my own home."

1. Gene Perret, Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Mom's Phone (1)

Because my mother had a habit of losing her cordless phone, I bought her a phone with a clip on it so she could attach it directly to her belt. A few days later, I walked into my mother's home and found her standing in the middle of the living room, halfway dressed. That didn't strike me as odd so much as the fact that she was holding her pants to the side of her head and speaking into them.

"Don't look at me that way," she yelled. "The phone started ringing and I couldn't figure out how to undo this stupid clip!"

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Come and Get Me (1)

My brother dropped off his wife at the hairstylist and she was supposed to call me when she was ready to be picked up. She must have dialed a wrong number, she reported later.

She called, and a man said "Hello," to which she cheerfully said, "Come and get me!"

The man said, "Are you sure? This is Mitchell's funeral home."

1. Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke! You Make Me Laugh [You_Make_Me_Laugh@crosswalkmail.com]

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Pastor Search (1)

A church was looking for a new minister, and the selection committee finally recommended a young man just out of the seminary. Many older church members protested that a more experienced man would have been preferable.

Committee members retaliated with the argument that a younger minister might breathe fresh life into the congregation. At the end of the meeting, one commented to another, older member, that this marked the beginning of better things for their church.

"Yes," the elder said with a wry smile. "Looks like we're moving on to greener pastors."

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Motherly Help (1)

A strained voice called out through the darkened theater, "Please, is there a doctor in the house?!"

Several men stood up as the lights came on.

An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her, "Good, are any of you doctors single and interested in a date with a nice, girl?"

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Happy Songs (1)

A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to Maimonides Hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides.

When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better."

One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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New Year's Dinner (1)

As in many homes on New Year's Day, my wife and I faced the annual conflict of which was more important-the football games on television, or the dinner itself. To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn on the game.

Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even brought with her a cold pop for me. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what the score was. I told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing.

"See?" she said, continuing to smile, "You didn't miss a thing."

1. Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke! You Make Me Laugh [You_Make_Me_Laugh@crosswalkmail.com]
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