A BIT OF HUMOR Page 10
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Airport Mistletoe (1)

It was the beginning of December. The trip had gone reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other hand had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.

Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and "pointier" parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."

"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."
(pause)

"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."

"That's not why it's there."
(pause)

"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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How did Jesus come? (1)

"The season of Advent was beginning, and Rev. Dick Dinges wanted to inform the children that, according to the Bible, Jesus is coming twice-once as the baby in the manger, and then as King. He asked the children,

'How did Jesus come the first time?'

"Little Ryan replied, 'Down the chimney'"

1. Rev Dick Dinges Lynnhaven Colony Congregational Church Virginia Beach, VA

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Christmas Tree Search (1)

There were two men who went deep into the woods searching for a Christmas tree.

After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one man turned to the other and said,

"I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

1. You Make Me Laugh [You_Make_Me_Laugh@crosswalkmail.com]

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Christmas Shopping (1)

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.

"That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.

1. Mikey's Funnies [funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com]

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"I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold."

Susan, age 4

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Employment Application (1)

While filling out an employment application, a man paused over this question: "Person to notify in case of an accident."

Finally he wrote, "Anybody in sight."

1. The Good, Clean Funnies List [gcfl-info@gcfl.net]

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Thanksgiving (1)

A few years ago, an American and a British journalist were discussing Thanksgiving on a British radio program. The American asked if Thanksgiving was celebrated in the UK.

"Yes," the British journalist replied, "but we celebrate it on the 6th of September."

"Why then?"

"That's when you chaps left."

1.The Good, Clean Funnies List [gcfl-info@gcfl.net]

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Turnip Pun (1)

Mom put some turnips, his least-favorite vegetable, on her eleven-year-old son's dinner plate and instructed him to eat everything. He cleaned his plate, except for the turnip.

She pointed out to him that if he'd eaten it earlier, he wouldn't have been left with its taste in his mouth at the end of the meal.

Thoughtfully, he replied, "I guess I was just trying to delay the inedible."

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Jean Squeeze (1)

A woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when she squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans. Wondering if the added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she asked her husband, "Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side of the house?"

"No, dear, not at all," he replied, "Our house isn't blue."

He is almost over the cold he caught sleeping in the garage for 3 nights.

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Missing Groom (1)

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "Officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"No explanation needed!" snapped the Officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

The man tried again. "But Officer, I have to tell you something."

"Just keep quiet! You're going to jail and I'm not interested in what you have to say!" the Officer barked.

A few hours later the Officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

1. Reader's Digest [RDHumor@email.rd.com]

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Failing Eyesight (1)

An older lady was expecting a gentleman friend to call on her later in the day. She was nervous because her eyesight was failing and was afraid her friend might reject her because she was less than perfect. So, she came up with a plan to prove to him that she could see perfectly.

She put a straight pin in a tree that was about 200 feet from her front porch.

When her beau arrived, they sat in the porch swing and were talking when she suddenly stopped the conversation and asked, "Is that a pin sticking in that tree?"

Her friend squinted his eyes and said, "I don't see a thing."

"Well, I'm going to go see," she said as she jumped up, ran toward the tree, and collided with a cow.

1. The Good, Clean Funnies List [gcfl-info@gcfl.net]

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Honeymoon In England (1)

On a visit to my wife's native England for our honeymoon, we arrived at London's Gatwick Airport.

Tania headed for the British passport control line while I, an American, waited in the foreigners' line. When my turn came, the customs officer asked me the purpose of my visit.

"Pleasure," I replied. "I'm on my honeymoon."

The officer looked first to one side of me, then the other. "That's very interesting, sir," he said as he stamped my passport. "Most men bring their wives with them."

1. Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke! http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

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SPCA Rescue (1)

"Hello, hello?" shrilled a spinsterish voice over the phone. "Is this the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals?"

"Yes."

"I want you to send somebody over right away."

"What's wrong?"

"There's a horrid magazine salesman sitting in a tree teasing my dog."

1. You Make Me Laugh [You_Make_Me_Laugh@crosswalkmail.com]

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School Curlers (1)

One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse's office. When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas. "Why are you dressed like that?" I asked her.

"I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did anything to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school. So now I've come to spend the day with him!"

1. You Make Me Laugh [You_Make_Me_Laugh@crosswalkmail.com]

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Heavy Housework (1)

Smith goes to see his supervisor. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss says. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith. "I knew I could count on you!"

1. http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

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Phoney (1)

A young doctor was just setting up his first office.

His secretary told him there was a man to see him. The doctor wanted to make the man think that he was successful and very busy. So he told his secretary to show the man in and at that moment he picked up his phone and pretended to be having a conversation with a patient.

The man waited patiently until the "conversation" was completed.

Once he hung up, the doctor asked, "Can I help you?"

To which the man replied "No, I'm just here to connect your telephone."

1. Mikey's Funnies [funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com]

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Not For Lunch (1)

My husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals.

Tired of it after several months, I said, "I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch."

"Fair enough. From now on I'll make my own," he replied.

A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to join him afterwards.

"We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like," he suggested.

I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were seated, and the waiter came to take our order.

My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and said, "Separate checks, please..."

1. Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth, The Good, Clean Funnies List [gcfl-info@gcfl.net]

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Home-Cooked Meal (1)

When the power failed at the elementary school, the cook couldn't serve a hot meal in the cafeteria, so at the last minute she whipped up great stacks of peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches.

As one little boy filled his plate, he said, "It's about time. At last -- a home-cooked meal!"

1. Received from Ed. The Good, Clean Funnies List [gcfl-info@gcfl.net]

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Start at the Very Beginning (1)

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.

"I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."

"Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the heavens and the earth..."

1. Received from AcraMax Jokes. The Good, Clean Funnies List [gcfl-info@gcfl.net]

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Joe Jackson, who was more punctual at the lake than at church, presented the minister one Monday morning with a half-dozen dressed crappie.

The minister thanked him, but before Joe handed him the package, he said, "These fish were caught yesterday, on Sunday morning, and perhaps your conscience won't let you eat 'em."

"Joe," replied the preacher, reaching out toward the package, "There's one thing I know the crappie were not to blame!" (1)

1. Jim Reed, The Funny Side of Fishing, reprinted with permission.

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Card Name[1]

Those of us who worked at the front desk of a convention hotel in Williamsburg, Va., prided ourselves on making the guests feel special. When someone arrived at reception, credit card in hand, we would sneak a peek at it and address him by name.

Once during a particularly busy check-in, one of our guests presented a corporate credit card. "Welcome to Williamsburg, Mr. Bell," the desk clerk said.

"Oh, please," the man replied, "call me Taco."


[1] Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Auditor (1)

As a sales rep for a publisher of accounting reference materials, I was talking to a customer about a guide to assist with preparing for an audit. The way she described their organization led me to believe they might have an internal audit department. I asked, "Do you have an in-house auditor?"

"No," she answered. "We have an outhouse auditor."

It was almost three minutes before either of us could stop laughing and continue our conversation.

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Singing Fish (1)

Jimmy: 'Hey, Mike! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.'

Mike: 'To tell the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.'

Jimmy: 'What? Let me get this straight... You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?'

Mike: 'Well, yeah. After all, you know, he's a parrot fish.'

Jimmy: 'Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach a parrot to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.'

Mike: 'That's what you think! It just so happens this fish CAN sing. The thing is, he's terribly off-key and it's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?'

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Price of Oranges (1)

Mrs. Golden was shopping at a produce stand in her neighborhood. She approached the vendor and asked, "How much are these oranges?"

"Two for a quarter," answered the vendor.

"How much is just one?" she asked.

"Fifteen cents," answered the vendor.

"Then I'll take the other one," said Mrs. Golden.

1. Received from pkaine. The Good, Clean Funnies List [gcfl-info@gcfl.net]

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A few days before Easter, a four-year-old boy asked his mother to buy him a chocolate bunny when they were at the grocery store.

She bought it but told him he would have to wait till Easter Sunday to eat it. He asked what Easter was about. She replied, "Easter is about Jesus dying on the cross to save us, and rising from the dead."

When the boy's little sister came home later, he ran up to her and announced excitedly, "Peggy, when Jesus rises from the dead, we can get some chocolate!"

From The Joyful Noiseletter, April 2007, Page 2. Used with permission

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Mental Test (1)

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a gathering of humor editors, and his host naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," he asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'"

The editor thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

1. You Make Me Laugh [You_Make_Me_Laugh@crosswalkmail.com]

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Cross Country Move (1)

When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive both of our cars. Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly asked, "How will we keep from getting separated?"

"We'll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other," I reassured him.

"Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?" he persisted.

"Well, then I guess we'll never see each other again," I quipped.

"Okay," he said. "I'm riding with Mom."

1. Pastor Tim [posts@cybersaltlists.org]

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Nearly Finished (1)

On Sunday morning. New Year's Day, 2006, a drunk wandered into the back of a church during the sermon.

"How long has the pastor been preaching?" he asked an usher.

"About 30 years," the usher replied.

"Well then I think I'll just stay" the drunk said. "He must be nearly finished."

1. 2007 January Humor Joyful Noiseletter

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